Just Another Day

Valentines Day...........hmmm........Just another Day............again.

I stayed busy to try not to think about it. I've worn myself out and now just think.

I'm proud of who I am and what I have accomplished in myself in the last two years. Hell, even the last 15. I've never been so unsure of what lies ahead. I know it'll be NOTHING like the past. I feel these are going to be the the best memories...the ones I'm about to find.

It's the memories I want to find the start of. The unknown. From the kids growing too fast every day to finding the strength in my own self and my own heart to learn to love and trust again whole-heatedly. I get closer and closer to finding someone worth a chance. Someone I want to show me for the first time all men aren't the same. And that just being a damn good woman gives me a fair playing ground.

I want love. Love I know and miss. The little things; the simple things; the cuddle in bed at night, watching tv; exhausted and passed out at nine at night just because it's when the kids finally fell asleep; making the most of sneaking off when they kids have taken a nap or fallen asleep early! ; )

I want that look across the room saying I you're beautiful or I want you. I want passion and butterflies. Trusting someone to put your heart in their hands as they trust you to put theirs into yours. Someone who loves staying in and playing with the kids or a family man because my kids are my greatest love. I will never love a man more than my children. A real love would want that.

All that.....is the greatest feeling of happiness there is......it's having all those things that annoy you or the other persons little habits or quirks.......the biggest of all that is that it takes time to learn, to love, to become in sync with.

I'm ready to find someone that wants the same. Also, to stay young and take time to be alone with each other or have some space to be out with friends. It's knowing how to balance all the things in life that make life an amazing ride. It's about knowing and living with honesty, respect, trust, confidence, communication, understanding, patience and balance.

I am a hopeless romantic who's losing hope but ready to start life's next chapter. To find the man that loves me just because I'm me. There are no carbon copies. There are no smoke filled mirrors. I love my friends, family, trying new things, loving life, being stubborn but very giving, I love romance, but I want to be paid attention to for all those reasons.

I want to find that one. He has to be everything I know about love with the part that's unknown. The part that understands why the heart that's always been on my sleeve...The one that's worn black and blue...The scars will remain...I believe **though I'm praying they will not***...until I find the one that knows how to cover those scars with what is completely different than I've ever known. To never see me as an easy target to hurt. To never hurt the very being of who I am. Who doesn't use my kindness and giving nature. The man that would never make me fear from his movements or tone.

I don't want to nor can I be anything different than who I am in my heart. That's the part of me that's always been me. That's the part of me that the wall is built around. I accept that I am not perfect, I'm awfully clumsy, I sometimes speak before I think, I'm a really big dork, but I'm strong, I take care of myself and don't need any one else to. Oh and I HATE scary movies. lol

Oh how Valentines Day use to be my favorite. Yes, I loved getting something that day, mostly if it were just words from lips. More so, because I love showing love. I love hearts. I love a day to remind people how love feels. Those people who don't over-commercialize the day. True love knows what romance is to the one they are with. It's not about oh no have to get a card...blah blah....to a girl like me...It's a day about finding that special way to say **pst...I more than like you...a lot!*** It's a reminder to stop, slow down, just one day and look at who's beside you sharing in the same joys, laughs, smiles, even the struggles, sorrow and frustration; we all call life!

I want Valentines Day to be more than just a day again.....

I want to learn to love again.....

To me....that's simple!

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

So far February has been real rough on me. Truthfully 2009 hasn't been that great at all. The fridge...still works a day or two a week and WILL be taken care of by this weekend. Papaw passing. Work....well....my hours were cut. Thank you economy. Needless to say; this single Mom is struggling.

My kids and my friends, however, keep me grounded!

I took this picture a couple Mondays ago. As I was singing my good morning song to the kids while getting myself ready, the Diva strolled in the bathroom all sleepy eyed. I stood her on the throne and asked her what was a matter. Her reply, "It's Monday Mommy. I'm not going to school."

So far 2009 has just felt like one never ending Monday and Mommy feels just like the Diva looks!

Circle Of Life

So the last post I wrote was meant as a way for me to remember my Papaw and as a letter for him. I was going to read it to him when I went to visit him Monday in Hospice. Monday morning I received a call from my Mom at 6am. Hospice contacted her that family needed to come say their Goodbyes, Death was eminent. I threw on clothes, emailed work I wouldn't be in and started gathering the kids through tear filled eyes and a very scared heart. Not but a half hour and she called back. Papaw had passed.

I continued to get the kids up and ready and off to daycare. I needed to be there with him and they were too young to be there. I explained to them that Papaw was gone. They were full of question, sad but such troopers. I'm glad they don't grasp the pain Mommy was feeling. I did all I could not to cry in front of them but I did. On the way to daycare lil man asked me if I was sad. I told him yes. The sweet lil man I'm proudly raising told me, "Mommy don't be sad! There's candy in Heaven."

We finished our ride through Mommy holding back the flood.

These past couple days have been a complete wash with me. I've grieved and grieved hard. I was mad at myself for not being there more. I've cried and been so very angry. I've remembered and reminisced. I've bummed out and blown up.

Tonight I've started slowly pulling it back together. It's sad our time is over. I remembered the good times we had. The fun. The smiles. All my precious memories and even some I'd temporarily forgotten. In all those memories and all the tears and through all that I remembered my greatest memories of all.

Family! I remember my cousins before we all started growing up. My Uncles and Aunts before we started being Adults. I remembered when we were still their little Nieces and Nephews and their children. Somewhere along the line we all lost the closeness and fun we had as kids and we became the parents to the ones creating the memories that now rush through me. I miss being little and I miss being Papaws Girl!

I see just how much this very man shaped my life. He taught me my honesty. He was a man I could never lie to. If ever I tried he saw right through it. He taught me I wasn't always going to do the right thing but when I make a mistake learn from it. Always apologize and always hold your head high!

He always brought smiles to peoples faces and knew someone everywhere we would go. Whether it be the candy shop where he bought the molds for all the candy and cakes he and Mamaw made, going out to eat at Ponderosa or Big Boy or Red Lobster, the post office, the grocery from the man in produce to the Pharmacist to the cashier, that farm we would go to when we got eggs with double yolks or anywhere he knew someone and they always held a conversation with him. They always looked forward to see him. He remembered everyones birthday or anniversaries or Graduations.

He taught me to fish, sing, dance, cook, grow roses, fish, play baseball, paint, wash and wax a car, skip a stone, play tic tac toe and jacks...he taught me how to be a kid. Showed me how to be happy. Taught me to respect and do for others. And never to give up!

I realized at his viewing that he did share a lot with me. Our coffee and donuts and war stories was something special between us. I admired him all these years as a veteran, a family man, a friend to all and my best friend growing up. He's the one that taught me that if it was something I wanted and I didn't give up on that dream I would have it.

I know we all have our memories of him and we all share some of the same ones. We all knew and loved the same man. Papaw was like a father figure to me. I've realized the very things he gave me that live on in me. He grew my love for roses, started my love for fishing and baseball, my ability to cook, my desire to change the world one smile at a time, my stubbornness, that good deeds do come full circle and what keeps me going today...my pride and respect for the military. To me and I hope to all; he is the definition of a true American Hero. He loved and fought for his country, his family and his life. He worked hard for what he had and was a stubborn and very loveable man.

Tomorrow we lay his body in the ground and keep his memories alive. Not only in thought but also in the way we live our lives.

He is Missed and Loved beyond his ALMOST 91 years!

Papaw

February 26, 1917 ~ February 2, 2009

May You Rest In Peace

Dear Papaw,

Lately I haven't been the best that I could be to you. I haven't come around in the past couple years as often as I've wanted or should have. I didn't want and couldn't let you see the hell my life was taking me through. You are the ONLY man I know, that if you knew what J was doing to me, that would have killed him. Literally! I didn't want you to see how bad off I was. I'm eternally sorry for that! Though I know you asked me all the time if he was hurting me. How were you the only one that knew?

You gave me so many memories that I cherish and are all running through my head right now. You ARE the only man that has always made me feel like a princess. Maybe it's because I was and always will be Papaw's little girl!

My love for Roses, came from you. The hours we would spend taking care of our roses were times I looked forward to every day I was with you. I remember every time one bloomed I couldn't wait to pick them. You always made me wait until they were in full bloom. We take your shearers and cut one for Mamaw and two for me. I remember loving the red ones the best and remember when you planted a red mini rose bush just for me. I loved getting dirty and tending the roses was always our excuse to go play in the dirt. We'd loosen the soil so they had room to grow and pick any weeds. We'd snip any dead leaves off and most days just sit and look at them. I remember one you planted for Mamaw. It was a silver rose bush. You'd tell me it was silver and I'd laugh and tell you that you were silly because it was purple. There were always roses on your table cut by me and you!

My love for all things apples? Yep from you too! The two big apple trees in front of your house in Englewood I can still see. We'd pick apples when they were ripe and you'd spend days and weeks making pies, apple butter, fried apples and fried apple pies. lol Mom and Mamaw use to always tell you and me both that I didn't need so many apples cuz they'd give me the "poops". We always laughed because they never did. You told me eat as much as I wanted and I did.

Coffee and donuts and war stories will always be my favorite. We were always the first two up in the mornings and this was our time. I remember looking at your pictures and being so proud and always wanting to know more and more. Especially when we studied WWII in school and I got to interview you. You thought it was so funny and you said I could do the interview myself, but I made you tell it again. I remember you telling me the good things of war. The buddies you made and hadn't seen in so long. The countries you had seen. You guys playing cards and your brothers being there with you and you watched over each other. You had your harmonica that you carried with you and you and your men would play and sing on nights you weren't out. You let me read your letters you sent back home and it amazes me to this day because I think of how amazing it would have been for you to have the Internet like we do now.

You nicknamed me turtle. You loved to tell me how when we'd get to your house Mom would put me in the playpen and I'd lay there on my belly. You'd come in the room and every time I heard you I'd raise my head and look around for you like a turtle. You said you'd always get in trouble for picking me up but you did anyways and we'd pal around because you hated me being in that cage. One summer on vacation in the smokies you and I found a turtle and said we should name it Jenny because it reminded you of me being a baby. We took a crayon and wrote Jenny on it's shell and set it free.

I remember your birds. We'd sing and tweet at them. I'd help you clip their wings and clean their cages. You had a little yellow one you named after me. I liked that bird until you let her out of her cage. She always flew over to me and you'd say there's my two Jenny's and you'd take pictures of us. She always pooped on me though! You laugh so hard at me for being grossed out.

You taught me to cook. Making Chicken and Dumplings, all things apple, carmel popcorn, beef brisket, fried cheese lol and turn overs too. Making candy with you was my favorite. From fudge, almond bark, buckeyes, all your easter eggs to the chocolate lambs you'd make for Easter.

Any day now you'll be heading Home. Papaw I'll never forget you! I wish that I would have had the kids earlier in life so they could know how amazing of a man and grandpa you were. How you loved to play and make us all laugh. You always made sure all of us kids had bikes. How you and Mamaw made the best candy around, heck you two made the best food around. I'll always remember our summer vacations and how you spoiled us so very much! You can go home now and be in peace. I know how hard these past few years have been on you and I'm sorry I couldn't be around as much as I should have.

Papaw, you'll always be my hero! You'll always be the man that filled the shoes my Daddy didn't when I was little! You'll always be the man who gave me my love for apples, roses, the Military and Chicken and Dumplings too! =)

I Love You! Thank you!

What's the right thing to do?

We spent the day with Papaw today. First thing this morning the kids and I went to the hospital to see him. I was scared to death. I told them Papaw was very sick and he needed lots of hugs and kisses. They were both amazing! Papaw was more alert than I thought he would be. Both kids didn't shy to giving him kisses on his forehead and telling him how much they loved him. They both told him stories of playing in the snow with J and that they were going to color him pictures at school tomorrow so he'd feel better.

Lil man loved me holding him up so he could see Papaw and Papaw did too. Then it hit! Lil man (bless his heart) looked at me and said "My Papaws Dying!" Tears instantly filled my eyes and I told him yes he is. My amazing little boy hugged my neck and said it's ok Mommy he's going to heaven.

No matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop the tears and I looked to see Papaw's eyes filling up too! As I looked across the room my Mom was also red eyed and crying as well. This sweet little boy is wise beyond his precious years.

We didn't stay at the hospital long for Papaw was in pain. He was shortly being transported to Hospice and we'd meet him there. So we loaded up in the van and set out for Mamaw's. On the way were a bunch of questions. "Will he get better? Does he know we love him? Will Papaw like a picture with paint or crayons?" All of which I answered truthfully and through tear filled eyes. are they too young for all this.

Then my own questions began. Where's he being buried at? Is he going to have a flag on his coffin? Have they arranged for a proper burial for a Veteran or just for a family member? Who gets his Army stuff that built my memories of him so fondly?

Mamaw's wasn't any easier. Her dementia has such control over her she doesn't know what to think or feel and when she does, five minutes later she's reset. We ate and lined some things up, my sister, Aunt and I then I packed the kids and Mamaw into the van and headed for Hospice. *Of course AFTER I collected a couple of his Army books to at least set up some memory of them before returning them to where I found them. Funny though of all the family, I'm the only one that knew where they were kept. Of course I pointed that out to my Mom too!*

Hospice was nice. Quiet and comfy but death lurked in that place. Papaw slept the whole time we were there. His pain meds have been increased and all IV's have now been ceased. He has a special bed coming soon because of a real bad bed sore seems no one knew about. The nurses were so nice. They even gave the kids bags with toys and coloring books, crayons and candy in them. Anything to make this easier. At least he seemed in peace and not in pain like he was at the hospital!

Here's my dilemma that I went round with my mom about earlier. J and I discussed this and I feel we are the ones to make this decision. I feel BOTH kids are way too young for the viewing and funeral. My first funeral still haunts me to this day. Mom thinks they HAVE to be there. I want the time to deal with my emotions and say goodbye to my Papaw. I don't want the kids seeing Mommy crying anymore than they already have. They are too little to understand and I don't want them being afraid. Maybe I'm being selfish?

Some Days are Better than others...

So much has been going on here it's hard to keep a grasp on things. I've wrote before about my abuse from my ex, I've told you about my wonderful children, my hopes and my goals, I've mentioned my support for our troops and their families, my ambition to go back to school and my job that I love but stresses me to no end.

Lately I haven't had a lot to say because I didn't want to seem down or depress anyone. I've thought about putting these feelings out there anonymously but have chosen not too! This is me! This is my life and my words and people can read or not read it. This is what I'm fighting to never have to hide from and not be ashamed from either.

Now like all single moms (or parents) I struggle with money. When I'm not in the right frame of mind I make poor decisions and I end up financially destroyed. Of course I have done this again. Yes, taxes will bail me out this time when all my forms actually make it here. I want to know how to budget and save off the money I make. I hate scraping to get by and work too hard to keep putting myself in the hole like this! It definitely isn't fair to my kids or a good lesson to them either.

My head just isn't clear anymore. A lot of my problems have come back and I am dealing with them and will never let them get like they were before!!! Last February after two months of counseling I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post traumatic Stress Disorder). I fought the therapist on this because I didn't understand it. I thought PTSD was something soldiers had from war. Which it is but it can also develop after exposure to one or more terrifying events that threatened or caused grave physical harm. The best site to get information about it is a site for veterans. If you want to know more go here.

I was doing so good for so long and now I'm frightened again. I find myself feeling panicky when going out. Always checking for exits and feeling "on guard". Looking over my shoulder. I don't sleep much. I eat more. I smoke more. I drink more (never with my kids around). I'm always trying to figure out WHY. Why do I feel this way again? Why me? Why can't I just be normal? Why do men always threaten me? Why can't I keep a grasp on everyday functions? Why am I forgetting simple things? Why can't I make it stop?

That all just adds to it. There are no answers for the why's! I won't figure it out! It's part of me and a part I desperately want to control. I want to start school to get a degree in Psychology, as I mentioned before. I want this to help myself and to help others. I want to help soldiers after seeing the worst of PTSD in one but also to help survivors of Domestic Violence. It's what I WILL do! However, I am inpatient. To go to school requires time and money. Both of which are in very spare in my world.

My life has so many ups and downs. It's life and it's suppose to. It's when I feel I'm juggling too much that it's all going to come crashing down on me. It's said that God does not give us more than we can handle. Judge me for this if you want, but it's time God cuts me some slack!! I have broad shoulders and can carry a large burden but would like just a couple things at a time please!

Top all these emotions off with waking up this morning to a voicemail from my sister. My Grandpa is in the hospital. Infection in his bowels and gall bladder. Surgery will kill him but so will the infection. Today my Mom signed a DNR by his request. It's antibiotics and pain meds and put his life in Gods hands! I know his suffering needs to end but I'm torn! I blame my Grandpa (and I say this very light-heatedly and jokingly) for my love for the military. On weekends (every weekend growing up) we'd get up Saturday and Sunday morning, just me and him. He'd make these glazed donuts in the toaster oven and pour us cups of coffee (mine was mainly chocolate milk with a dash of coffee) and we'd talk. Mainly about WWII. His brothers and him fought together. He had his uniform, metals, ration books, news articles and lots of photos.

For the last few years Papaw has been in the nursing home and I haven't seen him as often as I should have. I didn't want him knowing the hell I was facing with J. It hurt to see him just sitting in his chair so confused and hurting. He hated being in that place! He wouldn't always remember anyone but he always remembered me. Last time we were in there he didn't remember my face. He took Kaitlin on his lap and talked to her as if she was me. He asked her if she wanted her coffee and donuts and I broke down in tears. I kissed him and hugged him and knew this day was coming but I hate GoodByes! If only we could have those simple days back of being Papaws girl! So much of this pain wouldn't be here!

Tomorrow I'm taking the kids to see him and letting my brother know if he needs to fly up. I hate this! I hate being an adult!

Me

Since it's nap time, yeah like they'll actually sleep (honestly I think they use this time to plot against me...

I figure I'll just ramble a bit. Maybe a little about me. I'm going to start making my life more about me! To know me IRL, you'd know this is THE absolute hardest thing for me to do! Things I want to do for myself involve: getting in shape, being a little more "high maintenance", let go of the past or learn better how to live with it, someday actually out-smart these munchkins and stop being such sucker and find my true better half!

I've ALWAYS been a big girl. Really can't see myself not being this way, but the stomach HAS to go. I want to run, without being out of breath. Shop in a store that's NOT plus sized. Finally turn someones head not because they're making fun of me *YES this still happens at 31 and with two kids in tow!* Feel confident in wearing something beautiful that even has NO sleeves or even wearing a dress. It's coming but it takes HARD work!

I want to acquire better fashion sense. Holly, can testify to this, I HAVE NO FASHION SENSE! None at all. I want to have a closet full of clothes and shoes that flatter when I put them on, rather than looking like I shop at WalMart (OK some of it does come from there BUT it's cheap and single mom's thrive on low budget) I want jewelry to go with everything! I want to find my inner Diva! KK seems to be born with it, where'd mine go?!?

Learning to live with my past has been the biggest life changing experience for me, even more so than becoming a Mom. I live as a survivor of Domestic Violence everyday. I'm taught to talk about it not only to continue to heal, but to possibly help someone that is going through what I have experienced. Finding a support group and confidence can be challenging. While I hold close to friends and family, sometimes I feel maybe they are sick of it, what I can't tell them is everything I went through. I don't know if they understand how much it still does and always will affect my thinking. How much I still hide from the world. How I need to continue letting it all out until, maybe, hopefully someday, it doesn't cross my mind 12638 times a day!

My babies! Ahhhh I love them more than words can ever describe, most mom's do, right? I look at them and think, "How did I create such amazingly beautiful and smart kids?" I miss being a SAHM! More than anything, but I love working too! I'm a real pushover when it comes to them though and have to learn NOT to be! I'm like this because of my past and feeling guilty for now being a single, working mom. I miss our days of dance parties, picnicking for lunch, free admission on Tuesdays to the museum, pajamas all day and daytime TV. The biggest thing I resented about my Mom growing up was that she wasn't there, she worked too much. Now being that I NEED a second job to make ends meet, will they resent me the same?

Mr. Right....where are you? It's going to be tough to fill these shoes. I want a man with a heart like mine. A man that loves me for who I am and how I look NOW and will love me even more when I'm in shape. A man that will bring in some income but let me be the bread winner. A man that does most the household chores (I really really HATE cleaning-with the exception of laundry and cleaning the bathroom) *Yes I am weird and I admit it!* A man that loves my children as his own but understands that they have a father. A man that will encourage me and my dreams and goals I have set for myself and NEVER make fun of me for them or degrade me in ANY way! Someone with the bad boy attitude but gentle heart. To make me feel like a princess, I no longer want to be Queen! Does he exist somewhere?

There you have it! A little bit of my wants! Do I ask too much? Do I think too much?

Sweetness

OK so I'm slow! Thank you Holly, but you are the sweetest.

The only rules are to pass it on? I need more friends! All my friends are sweet!

I can't get that globe with a paperclip thingy to work...Somedays I''m completely technologically incompetent! Sorry!

Sleep Deprived...

I haven't had a lot to say recently only because every time I try to write something too many thoughts come to my head. Honestly, it would just be downright sad! Not that I try to be but I think life is just going too fast anymore. Somedays I do wonder where my strength comes from. I guess I have broad shoulders for a reason.

Work slowed down only for a week or so and now the Government side (the side I work for) is just slammed. Being on the GSA team means we work sometimes with some very short deadlines and always with strict guidelines! It's chaotic and overwhelming, but crazy me, I love it! However, I would perform much more efficiently if people would just get off my back!

The kids...OMG it's something new yet everyday. Their laughs and smiles remind me everyday exactly why I'm alive! I just want to be the best Mom possible and make sure I instill the values I hold closest to my heart! Honesty in everything they do, respect for others, hearts as big as a mountain, laughter that fills the air and belief in themselves and all they do. I want them to know one day how hard it was for Mommy to walk away and raise them in what seems to be too common, but it was the only thing I could do to ensure I would be there for them through everything! My biggest fear is failing them in any way!

Men...well they are just plain...idiots. It sucks, this whole dating thing. Do all men lack the knowledge of honesty? Maybe I'm jumping the gun but it does seems they're all the same. They want the beautifully wrapped package; no matter what lies inside! Someday someone will prove me wrong there and I hope it's sooner than later! I really just don't like being alone! Life is better shared!

Off to bed now! I haven't slept much lately so I need to catch up! OH and still NO dang fridge! UGH!

Interviewed

Holly has interviewed me andhere are my questions...

1. If you could be friends with any celebrity, who would it be and why?
This was tough for me, but I've finally chosen Sarah Ramirez from Grey's Anatomy. I love the show and when she came onto the show I just adored her. It's nice to see someone cast that doesn't look like she's starved! She's beautiful and strong and I have a feeling she's a lot like that in real life, though I could be wrong. But that's who I choose.



2. What do you remember about your first day of school?

I remember starting Kindergarten and getting to school and waiting in the gym. I was scared to death. I knew my sister was at school and all I wanted was her. I remember crying so hard that they went and got her for me. She sat with me and held my hand and assured me I was alright. I guess my fear of being alone started real early. It took a few weeks before I could go to class by myself but until I was ready she was there everyday holding my hand!



3. Who makes you laugh more than anyone in the world?

That is hands down my kids. They bring me new laughs everyday! From camo boy, to KK's crazy hair, pretending to be cats for a whole day, embarassing me, their favorite songs (The five dollar footlong song from Subway and the theme from Cops), dancing, playing, dressing up and even their imaginary friend "Mack" the bumble bee!



4. If you could choose your own first name, what would it be?

I've grow to love my name though there are a million other Jennifer's in this world! Going through school there were never less than three of us in a class at one time. If I had to choose it would hands down be Grace. Only because I have NO grace. I am by far the biggest clutz in the world. How I have managed to not injure myself more severly or even my children is beyond me. As I told someone last night..."It's all part of my charm!" =)



5. If you could fly in a hot-air balloon over any city in the world, what city would you choose?

Another difficult one for me. I have a slight fear of heights but I am wanting to overcome this by flying in a Hot Air Ballon and sky diving! It's hard to pick just one city. I'll pick anything tropical or specifically I'm going to pick Fiji. It's just beautiful. See the pic below. Any Island that resembles a heart works for me!

Praying for Harper

Please pray for Harper and her family!

Updating My Previous post

Well Captain Obvious showed up to tell me my fridge was broke! DUH! Thank you for that I couldn't tell! New fridge coming soon!

So here we go....Jenn's dating adventures begin!

He *Still not sure what to call him* texted to make sure we were still on tonight! So keeping my previous commitment to my brother I am picking him up at 6:30ish, which by the time now means probably 7! oops I had to go find something to wear tonight, for real!

I'm meeting *insert name here when I figure out what this is, but for now he's R* at the Moose. Than we're going back to where he's house sitting (his brother's house and my friend; which is how R came into the picture)

How did this night come about? Well apparently a couple weekends ago, when I was out watching him and his brother shoot pool, I made the comment that I didn't need a man for anything but to cuddle. *Thank you Captain Morgans for that one because I don't recall those words coming from MY mouth!

I guess he decided this week that he was the one for that job! Of course I agreed because we get along very well and have become good friends. There's a story behind that too that I will share someday. So far this one is different. He makes me laugh and doesn't seems to mind that I AM the biggest dork you will ever meet! He's rented or brought DVD's for us to watch! Awww Even asked if I was riding with him or following him to his brothers! I chose to follow. A girl always needs a way out if needed! I do know that ONE thing about dating!

This should be interesting! I'm not going into it this time with any expectations or hopes! I'm simply playing it cool and seeing what happens! I know I'll embarrass myself in some way, I am a dork and proud to be! It's part o my charm!

Wish me luck. Excuse any typos or ramblings. I'm not nervous at all! If you believe that well then I have a fabulous refrigerator for sell! It's ice cold and smells fabulous! =)

OH and way to go O on your game! Sorry I missed it buddy!

There's something wrong with the Fridge

I finally have a weekend to myself in which I'm not sick in bed. So I had the entire weekend planned out and for once I would like it to go as I planned it. J and I have the strangest shared parenting plan but it works! Every three days for three days I have the kids and vice versa' which give us each two weekends in a row with (or without them' however you want to see it) and one weekend shared. I know it's confusing, but in my life confusing is the only thing that works.

Friday night was suppose to be drinks with the girl from work and some of her class mates. I was looking forward to meeting new people. Well it ended up just her and I and a classmate and her friend. So the four of us met at and soon left the Dublin Pub due to lack of seating, anyone who could catch an eye and a poor bad. They brave souls that we are, we decided to walk through the Oregon District to find a bar with a little more life. So that I don't bore you, it ended up being the four of us and a couple drinks and good converstaion and then we all headed home. Not a complete wash for Friday night so no complaints (except for the below zero temps we walked in.)

So plans for Saturday: Laundry, O's basketball game, clean, dinner at the Moose with my step brother-Dad-and step mom, and someone said something about cuddling *he has no name yet since I haven't heard from him since Thursday*!

Upon returning home Friday night I enter to find the MOST horendous smell! WTF? Now what did the munchkins hide? Too many times before I've smelled things I could have gone my whole life without because of those two but that's part of being a Mom right? So I start searching and just can't figure it out. I say screw it and am about to just fix a drink, catch up on some blogs and then catch up on some well needed sleep! It's then I found it!

The Captain Morgans comes from the freezer quite warm! OH NO Are you kidding me?!?! Yeah I open the fridge to get the Coke and there's the smell! Spoiled Soy Milk, Chicken so warm Ithink it fermented somehow and brown veggies. This morning it was cold in there! If I woud have know it was going out I would have hauled the damn thing on the porch before work!

So Saturday is just pissing me off! I've missed O's game and laundry is delayed because I have to wait on the repair man. Really? Why? I can tell you the damn thing doesn't work!! Just get a new one over here before Monday when the kids come home so I can stick to what MY plans are!!! I'm not asking much and I pay my rent on time too!

My Mom reminds me at least once a week that "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all!" God love her she always points it out and just once I want to call her to vent and hear her say something like "those bastards, how dare they" or some sort of foul mouthed antic letting me know she feels my frustration!

So now let's see if I can make the rest of the weekend go as I want. Sunday's plans involve working to reclaim one of my sick days and going out with my sister!

The Negotiator

For the past few months lil man has taken on the role of Mommy's helper and the man of the house. I love this because I believe he sees the grey hairs his sister is giving me. The last few weeks however he's testing his limits, but keeping me on my toes.

For instance, yesterday on the way home from my mom's, where he had aquired a bad of cheese puffs and a box of fruit snacks, the negotiations began.

I ask, "What would you like for dinner tonight." I always give him choices because he is a picky eater and he's so little the boy needs to eat. He's also as stubborn as I and if he doesn't want it he won't eat than I spend the night hearing his belly growl but he won't give in. Usually he picks healthy food so most days this works.

Without hesitation he replies "Cheese Puffs and fwoot snacks. That's why Grandma gave them to us mom. DUH! You don't have to cook now."

As I explain those are snacks and he can have one or the other AFTER dinner, he comes back quick with "But Mooooommmm it's cheese and fwoot and Gramdma said we could have them."

"Not for dinner she didn't and you have to eat real food first. Last chance, what would you like for dinner Jimmy."

"I can't eat dinner Mom it makes me sick. Oh and those are real food or they wouldn't be at the gwocery "

"and why does dinner makes you sick?" I'm curious and laughing, nice try.

"It just does, but the puffs and fwoot snacks will be ok. They don't make my belly hurt." He's as serious as a heart attack.

My reply, "So if dinner makes you sick then can you eat supper?" Let's see if you know the difference there smarty pants!

"Yeah" he sighs,"But only if supper is cheese puffs and fwoot snacks!" And he crosses his arms and smiles like he won something.

When we got home it was chicken nuggets, tater tots and broccoli followed by fruit snacks. ~Mom won this one.

Tonight no arguments for dinner, but bedtime is when it hit. He's a climber and takes full advantage of it when Mommy has her hands full with Kaitlin. As I get her out of the bath I see him run past the bedroom straight for the kitchen. I think nothing of it until I hear the celebration. It's then I realize I hid candy. Sour Patch Kids to be exact, His Favorite!

"Mom you're the best! I have sour kids! I was good huh?"

"Jimmy get off the counter and out of the cabinet and bring those here."

"Oh no I'm busy I'll open them! Thank You Mommy! I love you! You're my best buddy!"

OK heart melting, he knows I love it when I'm his "best buddy" BUT it's 8:30 and bedtime and if it wasn't a work/school night he'd probably get away with it. I've given in before out of pure exhaustion but learned my lesson there! So let's just get the bag to mommy Unopened!

"Jimmy bring them here please" as I'm now wrestling KK to get her into her jammies and she's excited thinking she's getting her "patches". Definately not for that one, she's a demon hopped up on sugar!

"Oh mommy you're so busy and sis needs her hair brushed. How bout I'll get them AND pick my toys up and you go watch TV when you're done! Thank you I love them"

Well let me say he knows how to charm Mommy. Mommy is tired and over my dead body is that candy being opened tonight! I leave KK to brush her own hair in the mirror (hey I've also learned mirrors keep Divas busy for at least 3 minutes) and reclaim Mommy's "quiet time".

As I'm tucking them in he's very persistant! "How about just one or two? I was so good at school."

"Not happening Junior, it's bedtime!"

"But Mom don't you love me? I neeeeeeed them." He's starting to tear up as I chuckle. Funny though KK gets it and she's on my side as I hear a very stern "Bubby, mommy said NO it's night night."

He's crying now, "Mommy their my favorite. Can I just sleep with them in my bed. I pwomise I won't open them."

Yeah right! Mommy wasn't born yesterday.

"But what if I pwomise to be good tomorrow too or if I do the dishes?" Tears rolling from his sweet little face. "Mommy you don't want me sad do you?"

"No I want you asleep and up early for school. No candy! I Love You and I'm sorry you're sad!"

So it's hugs, kisses and high fives for both and I close the door.

Five minutes he cried for those fruit snacks then fell asleep. See I am getting this, but they are getting bigger and smarter!

Below is what happens when the oposing t-ball coach tells him you can't use a bat because it's pink! Coach Mom told him use the bat he could hit best with! I love that boy more than words can describe!

She is full of herslef and I'm proud of that!

When picking the kids up from daycare, KK's teacher informed me she was "extra Diva" yesterday.

I gues she spent the entire day "shuffling" around! Everytime she passed the mirror she had to dance in front of it and flip her hair too!

When Miss Krista asked' "Do you love yourself?" She replied * I Love This* " I do love Kaitlin very much!" Then she flipped her hair, threw her hip out and blew kisses in the mirror!

I love this because this is all her! She in NO WAY gets this from me or her Dad, but it does show we are doing a good job. OK maybe too much but I'd rather have an over confident little girl than one who shy's from the world!

She definately has a spot light on her at ALL times!

She makes me laugh and smile! The girl has the most amazing spirit! And this morning she chose to go to school as a Care Bear! Lil man told her she was silly and kids would laugh at her. She said "So let them!"

That's my girl! =)

My Smiles....

My Mom and her Grandkids!

My sister put it best!

The Princess, The Goofball & The Quiet One!

I LOVE THEM!

The Greatest Kid In the World!

My Nephew, Jake!

Momma's Boy!

Forever & Always!

Baby Girl! Aka the Diva!

Wednesday Morning Dance Party

Nothing beats being woke up a half hour before the alarm to two cudly kids....Big Smiles here!

Except when the early morning cuddling turns into a dance party! YAY!

I'm teaching the kids to do the Cupid Shuffle!

KK's almost got it. She is my dance princess! It's adorable!

Lil Man wasn't all that interested and kept saying we were silly, but he was definately watching with those curious eyes.

So momma found his weakness and found how to get him to join in. There's a video on You Tube of Marines doing the Cupid Shuffle.

It was no time and he was up with us!

It's and absolute BLAST and so adorable to watch them. I will catch them on video soon when they have it down some!

Have A Fabulous Wednesday!

I had to share this!

This makes me laugh! God Bless Our Troops!

I think what's really bothering me is...

I spent some of the previous mentioned bonus on new work clothes.

*Before...when I was married and a stay at home mom...I didn't like to shop and had NO fashion sense at all. Not that I have any now BUT I LOVE shopping now! I can't get enough of it and really wish I made more money so I could buy more and more! *

I did find two pair of jeans I'm in love with BUT I found a new suit. I love it...until I put it and home. Yes, I tried it on in the store but things always look better at home. Well that WAS my thought. I tried it on last night and I hate the way I look in it! I look fat and let's face it right now I am! NO I'm not being down on myself.

Over the holidays and the craziness that flew through the last two months I gained weight. Too much. *Hence why I recruited a Drill Sergeant. * Now it's the motivation and being sick that's holding me back.

So.... Do I return the suit for some other new items OR...Do I hang it in the closet with about seven other outfits that I say are my goal? I'm thinking return it because it's just too darn depressing!

I was doing so good when I signed my membership at the gym. In less than two months I lost a total of 27 pounds and 19 inches. Funny though I overworked my arms and felt like a body builder. =) I gain muscle easily, I realized after talking to a friend who has the opposite problem. He can lose weight quickly but can't gain the muscle he wants. While I do want to build muscle, losing the fat is what I want more.

So it's back to the gym, but I also need some exercises to do at home or a routine to follow for the days I don't make it out.

I need suggestions. Cardio and something like belly, butt and gut! Any ideas?

My biggest "issue" with my body is my stomach! I'm not going to blame it on the kids because I've always been overweight. I'm blaming the muscle loss there on a bad doctor that botched a C-section and left those muscles like noodles.

Any help, suggestion or criticisms are greatly appreciated and welcome!

Tagged by Holly

Holly tagged me for a fun little game. Here are the rules...The Rules:*Grab the nearest book.*Open the book to page 56.*Find the FIFTH sentence.*Post the text of the next two to five sentences in your blog along with these instructions.*Don't dig for your favorite book, the cool book, or the intellectual one; pick the CLOSEST.*Tag five other people to do the same.


Thanks Holly, I needed something better to do. =) Oh and since I don't have five friends....If you read this you're tagged!

This wasn't hard for me, I've been reading a lot again. Gooey *not trashy* romance novels...Hey I am still a hopeless romantic and since I have to stay on my goals and have sworn off men, the books are all I have.

It's called Texas Bluff by Linda Warren and it's one of the best I've read. Actually will read it again and get the rest of the series.

Page 56, starting 5th sentence....

Her father looked up, his eyes partially hidden by his Cowboy hat. "You've grounded him remember? Sometimes you're too hard on the boy."

"Like you were never hard on me."

Hub shoved back his hat. "Like it did any good."


I could have picked something more interesting but I stuck to the rules. =)

This is not what I started writing about.....

Well now, hard work has finally paid off. I FINALLY got my bonus at work and now sit here (on my death bed =) *will the flu ever go away?*) with a new laptop! Woo Hoo!

Ok, this means so much more to me than just a new laptop. With my bonus, I had originally planned to pay my bills, buy some new clothes for work and get a new tattoo. Well let's say the tattoo is still going to happen but taxes are going to pay for that. This computer is a real big deal for me.

This is going to turn into a longer post than I originally planned but I feel I need to get this all out. I do this for myself and to keep healing and growing from my past. My past is what's made me who I am today and I've touched on this before so here it goes.....

It'll be two years come Wednesday that my now Ex-husband tried to kill me. J and I had me in highschool and had a very unhealthy relationship (as I see now) but enormous love for each other. We overcame a lot of struggles together in the 12 years shared but I learned more than he did with every one.

From his house burning down, to drug and alcohol addictions, abuse from his father, to a car accident that should have killed him and ended his dream of the military; I was there by his side like a rock. It's what you do when you love. I took abuse from him too many times to count and while I can remember every last blow to my ego, self-esteem, body and heart; he has memory problems and doesn't remember or chooses not to all the bad.

I do want to say here that in between the bad times and fights, J was an amazing husband. I fell in love with him because he took time to do all the little things to show me love. The biggest was when lil man was born I had an emergency C-section and a week after it got infected and I was left with a gaping whole in my stomach that had to heal from the inside out. The first 3 months of lil man's life are nothing but memories of a home care nurse and a lot of pain. J stepped up and took care of us both like a real man. He did it all: worked, cleaned, ran me and lil man to doctors appointments, cooked most the time and took care of a very sick wife and very new baby. He was my hero and the love of my life.

Lil man wasn't but a year old and we were having a lot of trouble. We couldn't agree on anything. We both thought each other should be doing a lot of things differently and we argued a lot. It turned into him drinking more and going back to drugs. I wanted to leave and let him get a taste of life without me. I found myself pregnant once again. When I told him he was definitely more excited than I was. He became my husband again and I thought maybe he start treating me better and for good.

KK was about four months old when it started getting bad and stayed bad. He worked all day and found every reason not to come home or most days came home and did very little with us. If I got a babysitter to try to reconnect with him it consisted of ordering food and him sleeping or even me sitting at home alone while he was out. Trying to talk to him about this brought on the fights. Then again there were times I did nothing and found him in my face or hitting me.

The beginning of November I left him but was back right before Thanksgiving. Left again the second week of December and was back 2 days before Christmas. Every time was promises we'd go to counseling and he loved us and wanted our family together where they belonged. January, the night of the Ohio State vs Florida game I found myself locked in the garage as he stood in the kitchen and broke all my dishes yelling and screaming and threatening to beat me like never before. That's when he left. I threw him out.

He stayed a few blocks away at his grandparents house and came over to get the kids for a couple hours most nights. I tried to get ahold of counselors and help for us both. I no longer trusted him and feared he would kill me. He spent a lot of nights drinking and calling me late at night. One minute the conversation was how much he loved me and he was sorry the next was I wasn't good enough and no one would ever want me.

I had been up late one night online looking for a job, talking to friends and just killing time because I never slept any longer. I received a call from him, drunk and begging to come home. I told him call me in the morning and we would talk and he could come over for the day and see how it went. At 1:30 am I logged off the computer and at the same time the door from the garage into the kitchen was kicked in. There he was, drunk, hurt, mad and crying with a rage in his eyes more fierce than ever before. Instantly the computer was on the ground shattered into a million pieces. I can still sometimes hear his words,'"I hope you're ready to die because I'm going to kill you." and it began.

What I remember clear as day *and wish I didn't* was laying face down on the floor looking out the back glass sliding door, the phone about 3 feet beside me open to 911 *I managed to dial it without him noticing as soon as he came through the door* him sitting on my back, arm in a choke hold around my throat, my body aching like never before, crying, unable to scream anymore, looking out into the blackness praying a cop would be coming or anyone for that matter. I could beg him to stop any longer and I couldn't breathe. His words, "I hope you kissed your kids goodnight. You're never going to see them again. I came to kill you." I tried and tried to get away or scream but he tightened with every jerk. I saw myself in the reflection of the glass when I thought it was done. I saw my kids and I saw him. Then I thought I was done. Everything started going black and I saw stars. My lungs burned and my body ached. I passed out.

I woke lying on the floor and turned to see where he was. He was standing smashing more things and I started to get up. He turned and lined up to kick me in the head. I don't know how or why but it honest to God felt as if someone grabbed my legs and pulled me back as his foot missed my head. I was searching to find my glasses and was struggling to get away from his hold when he hit the ground. He snapped back to reality and started crying saying he loved me then he noticed the phone and picked it up. He clicked the receiver off and started crying asking if I called the police. Then rage hit again. His eyes went black. "If I'm going to jail it's going to be worth it" and at me he came again.

I was scrambling to get away and he was scrambling to kill me as the phone rang. "This is the 911 operator" I heard the voice say. "Do yo need help." Through the tears I found my sarcasm and told her "what part about he's going to kill me didn't you hear?" In seconds the house was surrounded by police and off to jail he went. He did plea guilty and spent 28 days in jail.

I stayed at the house and started trying to figure out what to do. Jail came and went. We were talking and he was seeing the kids. I finally moved in with my sister. I would stay at the house during the day while he worked and would leave when he came home. That way we both had time with the kids and didn't interrupt their routines. Then it came again.

It was in early April. The kids were napping and I was in the bedroom on the phone with Holly. He said he was working late. He came home drunk again. The second he stepped in the door he was at it. I grabbed my coat and purse and the whole time remained on the phone. I got out to my van him cussing me the whole way. As I got in he was screaming I wasn't going anywhere. He came running with a coffee can filled with sand ( we used for cigarette butts) and threw it against my passenger window. The whole time yelling he was going to kill me and every other cuss word he could think to call me.

I put the van in drive and started to pull away. he grabbed ahold of the van. I tapped the breaks and he started beating the window and jerking at the handle so I pulled away and down he went. I looked back in my rear view mirror and there he was. On the ground, bleeding, not moving at first. When he finally stood he was dazed, stumbling around. By this time I was on the phone with the 911 operator. He needed an ambulance. Off he went though, jumped the fence and through the field in the church, but he didn't make it far. The cops and paramedics found him passed out in the filed.

Jail wouldn't take him for the severity of his injuries *broken jaw, broken shoulder and a couple missing teeth* The whole time I'm hurting that he is hurt and I hurt him. This time I was gone for good. My family turned their back for whatever reasons and there was Holly. She took us in.

When I left it was me, the kids, almost all there clothes and toys and my clothes, my old computer and that's it. I had nothing but my life and my children and was very lost. After being a stay at home mom for three years; I found myself starting from the ground up. No job! No money! No place of my own to live and two very small children.

That's when hard work began....

Two years later here I am. Working a job I really do love most days. My own apartment. My Life! Goals and a brand new laptop to obtain them. I can now start back to school! I want my degree in Psychology specializing in addiction.

What a long way to tell you huh?

Today I sit here as a survivor and not a victim! I am not proud of everything I did in my life especially quite a few things I did in these past two years. It took losing the only life I knew *being a wife and mother* to find myself and my strength, my security and mostly my pride! I shared this because it's the path I've walked in life and it's the biggest part of who I am. Also, because these memories have come up strong again this year. I found myself last night once again wondering what I did or could have done to kept my marriage together. I do love him and always will but I remind myself everyday that I deserve better and so do the kids and we have it. I may fall asleep alone every night but I wake everyday thankful to be alive.

J and I get along today! We will always both love each other but he is still the same man. He can be amazing, loving and caring. He has a side of him I hope he's learned to deal with. I will always remember the good we did have but maybe all the bad we faced started killing us both a long time ago. I do hope he's learned as much about himself as I have myself.

And the tattoo yet to come is symbolic to all of this as well as my heart and passion in life now. When I finally get it I'll post.

Why no comments?

So I'm not able to get on here as much as I'd like BUT I am on here from my phone and do keep up with everyone's blogs, I just can't post comments unless I am on a computer. I still haven't quite figured out all the little things on here so please forgive me. I have found some amazing blogs that I love to read.

I'm not feeling well today so that's all! Oh and no I didn't make it to the gym this morning and it's my turn with the kids so for Thursday and Friday (maybe even tonight depending on how I feel) it's workouts in the evenings!

I've been up too long ...

So much has been going on and there are days I wish I had a clone.

There never seems to be enough time in the day for anything and I sidetracked from my goals.

So last night I enlisted myself a drill Sergeant to get myself back on track. (TY Holly)

For two months or so I was so focused on losing weight and making all my goals fall into place. Then I screwed my knee up, started moving, had the Holidays and KK's tests. SO I need my kick in the pants.

So I got it. Holly's going to be my mean Drill Sergeant (except on Sundays because that's my day off she has to be nice then). She has promised to keep me motivated (and *YOU better! ) =) Holly is probably the only one that could do this for she knows me way too well and knows how stubborn I can be as well as the *sickness* that motivates me.

I made myself proud by dragging my butt out of bed at 4:30 this morning to hit the gym, but now I'm pooped!

That's all that's going on here really! I take KK to the doctor on Thursday and I'm not worrying myself over it! I'm taking it one day at a time and that's all I can do! The gym helps work out those frustrations!

So for now goodnight and thank you Holly! Love Ya!

New Years

Well to put it best last year ended on a bad note. KK was as brave as she could be but those tests can be painful. The ultrasound was fine. It was cute when they started it she looked at the monitor and said "Look! There's my baby brother!" I had to laugh and explain that was her belly! (Daddy's girlfriend is expecting a baby boy) Then it was off to the VCUG. We had to stop the test about a half hour into it because her kidney was holding the dye. *NOT a good sign* I took KK to the big girl potty and finally convinced her to use it. She did and we snapped the last films. We were then given her discharge instructions and told to wait in the waiting room.

This was a bit different than before because every other time it was call the doctor in a few days and they will have the results. Turns out we needed them right then. Of course we spent forever in the waiting room because I do believe doctors think it's fun to make people sit and worry for hours on how serious it is.

Finally the radiologist came and explained that she had severe reflux in her right kidney and needed to go back on antibiotics immediately. Any infection could shut the kidney down. She does have scaring in it as well which is proof that the antibiotics she's been on have not been working! Yet she's back on the same ones. This is so aggravating to me! It's exactly why we recently switched doctors. Until a month or so ago, as I previously posted, we believed that one kidney was smaller than the other and just didn't develop. We were wrong! The larger kidney is the one that has the reflux in it.

What I did go find out on my own is that this is a genetic disease or condition. Most kids out grow it between 6 or 8 years of age. One out of one hundred kids are born with it. Antibiotics are the treatment to prevent infection and damage to the kidney and repeating the tests to keep an eye on it is normal. There are a couple other tests that can be (and now will be) done.

IF she is a grade V than we are facing surgery but we have to get that information from the Urologist!

Let me tell you there was no worse feeling in the world than waiting all alone with her and doing my best to stay strong and not let her see Mommy cry. I know it could be worse and that she's a tough girl. It's just that looking at her you'd never be able to tell something is so wrong inside her. The pain she has to go through each time we test is enough to break any parent.

As I find out more you can bet I'll keep you updated. Right now I'm scared and staying strong but have not cried as of yet!