Is it Friday yet?

This week is dragging by. The dungeon has now blocked me from here (it's understnadable) and my phone is being stupid so my posts will only be when I have a chance to get to my mom's (since I have yet to get a computer working properly at home). Next week I'm suppose to get my bonus at work so maybe I'll get my computer fixed then.

Tomorrow is Kaitlin's day to get her tests done. I'm not sure if I'm more nervous about the results or just the procedure. This will be the third time she's had it done and the last time was torture for us both. They couldn't get the cath in right and it was just horrible hearing her scream and cry and not being able to pick her up! I think it's the procedure that will destroy my nerves and break me this time! She's a lot bigger now and will probably need restrained because she's a fighter too! I will let you know what we find out. We go on the 8th to get the test results.

Nothing real exciting going on here. I have a lot going on in my head I just don't want to share right now. Somewhere along the way I have learned to keep some things to myself until I have all the thoughts straightened. Other times I let the wrong things out and make a fool out of myself. That's why I'm a really big dork and why people love me though!

I need another Strawberry-Mango Margarita! I had one last night and it was fabulous!

Meet Kota...

Christmas came and went and can I say this was my favorite of their gifts...This is Kota. He doesn't walk, he just eats and sings and plays and keeps the kids entertained for hours. It is the coolest thing I have ever seen and way better than any puppy! You don't have to take him outside and walk him or clean up after him at all. You just have to make sure he has batteries.

Other than Kota, my apartment now looks like a toy store. From baby dolls to race tracks to tents and pooping animals (pooping Jelly Beans). The kids had an awesome Christmas and so did Mommy! I have to say though Kaitlin got up around 1 am coughing real bad. So I got her out of bed and into the bathroom without her realizing Santa had come. To my suprise I heard the sweetest voice say, "Santa came Mommy! I was a good boy!" As I walked into the living room there he was sitting in front of all his presents not touching a single one with eyes so big and a smile that stretched from ear to ear.

Needless to say we did Christmas at Mommy's at 1 am. By 3 I had them in bed. We were off to Grandma's at 8 and then they left for their Dad's at noon! It was a beautiful day!~

I do hope everyone's Christmas was as good as ours was!

Stuck In the "Dungeon" (as I now call it)

OK so I don't want to be at work in the first place! BUT to get paid for Christmas and the 26th I have to be here today! It's alright though because we are in a billing cycle and I have too much work to do! HOWEVER, we have no computers! UGH Being that I work in our satelite office on base, it takes the internet working properly here on base and at our corporate office as well. Needless to say the internet at corporate is down.

No, I don't mind getting paid for nothing, but it makes for a very slow day and makes me fear next week as well. Billing has timelines to meet and since I stopped working 50 plus hours a week (to prove a point) I have not met deadlines for the past two months. *I believe they are taking notice now, though I am feeling the heat for sure*

It's Christmas Eve though, and it's *my year* with the kids. I'd rather be chasing and cleaning up after my munchkins and getting them all pumped up for Santa to come tonight. I also have some more shopping to do and presents to wrap as well. Instead, I'm here, completely alone, and wishing I was elsewhere!

I can't complain though because I am getting paid and have a 4 day weekend! AND Santa comes tonight!!!!! YAY!

Santa

So we FINALLY went to see Santa. It was an adventure. The line took an hour and a half. KK "needed" to be held the entire time. lol My poor aching back. To me it beat listening to her scream "hold you Mommy" in the middle of a crowded mall!

Lil man was good he just hung out on my leg the entire time, literally.

Neither believed that standing in line would lead us to Santa, but they were soon proved wrong! First thing my little Diva says to the lady is, "are you the person with the camera to take my picture?" Seriously? I waited in that line so she could have her picture taken?

Lil man told Santa he wanted a "bullet gun" (it's taken me weeks to figure out what he was asking for!) Yeah he's so NOT getting one either, he's four for Pete's sake! He'll shoot everyone's eye out!

Needless to say they asked of Santa presents and candy! They are easily satisfied kids! Got two christmasy stuffed dogs. We stopped to get cookies on the way out because they were so good!

Then it was back into the van with "she's touching me" and "my dog is better than yours". Ahhh I wouldn't trade either for the world! It's moments like these I'll miss in 15 years!

Lil Man

I had to share my Lil Man too! He got 4 shots at the doctor today! Two in each thigh! OUCH!!!! He was a big boy as always though he did cry! Just breaks my heart!

Baby Girl

Today was our visit to the doctor to go over KK's kidney problems. For the first time in two years they actually explained what was wrong. (I love her new doctor) It's called reflux. Kind of like acid reflux but in her kidneys. Instead of urine coming out of the kidneys and into her bladder it travels back up into her kidneys, which is very bad for so many reasons. She has stage 2 which isn't horrible.

So now we are taking her off her bactrium that she has been on for two years now and repeating her renal ultrasound and VCUG. This is the part I HATE! The ultrasound isn't bad it's the VCUG that breaks me everytime! While laying on the x-ray table they will cath her and shoot dye into her kidneys and try to snap a x-ray quickly. LAst time this took over an hour with my baby girl screaming and wanting to be held the entire time. I was in tears and just wanted it all to be done.

So now we wait. I should hear before Christmas when her tests will be repeated. Once we have the results we will know if it has improved at all or if we are being sent to the Urologist possibly to discuss a kidney transplant. Yeah, that's the part that has me terrified! Let's hope this is over quickly and the test results come back better than ever!

Christmas Tree

So this is the first year, since I've been on my own, that we have a christmas tree. It's a little one and that is perfect for me! My friend Kim at work suprised me with it while we were decorating for our company Christmas party. The kids were so thrilled to decorate it and undecorate it too! It's helping bring Christmas back to my heart which is something I lost a couple years back. Last year I didn't have the money or the space for one so we took some wrapping paper and tacked it on the wall and made a finger paint tree. So this one is very special to me!

Supporting Our Troops

In my heart lays a desire to reach out and show my support in any way I can for our military, past, present and future. Those that have seen war and those that haven't. Putting on that uniform and being ready, willing and able to lose your life for a country where so many don't see, understand or appreciate the sacrifice, is the most honorable act in my mind. I don't know how to do this well enough to feel proud that I have done my all for them.

I run a Myspace site where I have met and emailed so many people, but don't have the means to be on their as often as I'd like to keep up with my "Internet friends". It's been up and running for over a year now. Without a computer at home I just can't keep up with it like I use to but I do my best and they understand.

I am currently awaiting my information on a soldier that I have adopted through, Adopt A Platoon. Yet another way I can feel I'm "doing my part". To know me IRL is to know that I have a great big heart and if I can make even one person's life just a little lighter or to bring even one smile to someones face makes me happier than ever. I hope I can eventually "adopt" more than one soldier because I feel it's an honorable thing to do.

I've heard stories of war and seen pictures and videos of men that have been there. Watched the horror of soldiers with PTSD and TBI and tried and failed to help them make sense of it all. I watched a unit from beginning to end of one tour in Iraq. Watched through a screen as boys became men and then returned home lost and damaged mentally but physically whole from the things they lived through. The ones that came back amputees and physically disabled seem to be the ones adjusting better to life here than the ones living with the nightmares and how to turn it off. Is this because our country has to pay attention to them because of visible injuries? All of this makes me want to do more.

So here's my goal and my way of doing what I can for myself, my country, my family and all these men and women. I wish I would have done something a lot earlier in life. I realized a few months ago that I am not to old to join the military. I'm just to fat and out of shape. So I went to a local gym talked to a trainer and signed up. After speaking to a few recruiters (each branch) I now work with guidelines to reach my weight and fitness goals. I've given myself one year (because I have a lot to lose) and as long as I stay on track I will reach that goal. I've decided I want to join the Army National Guard. Yes this means time away from my kids and that is the toughest part of this decision.

I went through a period where I really thought this was selfish of me to do to them. After research and losing my first 20 pounds and 10 inches, I realized this is what's best for us all. There's no way around this decision and all of my family and friends I shared this with so far have been extremely supportive and that has shocked me. Ultimately I want to come out of this with true experience of being a soldier and a degree in Psychology, specializing in addictions and PTSD. Someone once told me that no one would listen to me because I didn't have a degree, though I knew what I was talking about. The way I see it: if I have that degree AND the life experience, than I can help our soldiers and do my part. I can do what this country lacks in doing when these men and women come home!

If I would have know then...

So I'm still stuck at work and since I took no lunch and only two very quick smoke breaks, I've decided to take a quick break to clear some thoughs and then refocus on work...

So much has gone on in my life over the past two years it's overwhelming. I see myself in a place I never knew I could be. Somethings still linger in my mind on how and why I let myself get to the point I was at. What I wanted all the whole time in those very long two years was simply understanding, peace of mind and people to keep pushing me in a good way. Looking back at it now I'm actually ashamed of the point I was out and disgusted by how I treated myself and how I let other people treat me.

Though I saw it coming but let myself deny it for so long, letting go of my marriage was what initially broke me. The hardest thing I ever had to do was to let go of the only life I had know since highschool. Let go of the only man I had ever loved in my life. There are so many reasons my marriage didn't work and we both have blame in it's failure. One reason only was why I chose to walk away. Unlike what so many people may see of it, I see myslef as a survivor never had I seen myself as a victim. To be a victim I would have been unaware of what was going on and trust me I was fully aware all twelve years of it. To be a survivor, to me, means to recognize and correct what the problem was and set for to never be abused again.

I never wanted pitty before nor do I want it now and that's the most truthful thing that you will ever hear. I wanted to make sense of it all. I wanted someone to give me answers. Still to this day there are some things I can't make sense of, but finally I'm ok with that, because I have the answers I longed for. What I couldn't understand or even grasp was how to start over. How to be me, when for so long I was part of a pair. How do I do for myself when so much of my life, *my entire adult life*, had been part of sharing everything with someone? How do I look in the mirror and love who and what I see, when the only thing I knew of love was to love someone else?

A good friend once explained this and later I read it in a book. "A ball can't bounce back until it actually hits the floor." That saying stuck in my head for so long. I kept wondering, have I hit the floor yet? Was it actually going to get better? I found myself shutting everyone out. Paranoid of everyone. Affraid to laugh and more affraid to tell anyone how I was feeling inside for fear they'd judge me instead of listen and help me. Nightmares kept me up for weeks and months at a time. Going out in public was terrifying to me. I gave up. I felt I was worthless and everything started spiraling out of control too fast for me. I was beyond help though from anyone in my life. I found myself leaning on a man who, while having his part in helping me become who I am today, finally pushed me to my breaking point. I finally hit rock bottom. Let me tell you it's a long way back up once you do. I found myslef ready and wanting to die because I couldn't figure out how to live. Everywhere I turned I was abandoned and alone. Guess what? You don't know your strength until you have no option but to be strong. You can't hide in the shadows anymore when your failures are completely in the light. The most terrifying feeling in the world was feeling ready to die. That's when I took control back of my life!

Today I sit here, whole for the first time in my life. Still very leary of who I can trust and who I can't but for damn good reason. Open to give all but two people second chances, because let's face it, they just don't desserve them! At peace with being divorced and actually happy for Jimmy to have someone and having a baby on the way. I can honestly say I love myself and that's something , in 31 years, I have never done. What I don't like about me I am inproving daily. I've let go of trying to fix other people I once cared about, because I learned that being "fixed" can only come from within. I'm confident in who I am and achieving my goals and in the life I'm setting for myslef.

I do hope someday I'll be able to love fully again because I do finally feel ready for it. Yet, dating is for the birds I tell ya! I do hope I will reach all my goals in the time I have set for myself. Especially my weight goal because that one will make so many others fall into place.

I now think before I speak or act. I control my own happiness and my own life completely. I am far from perfect and I LOVE that. Anyone that doesn't respect or appreciate me is not given the time of day! I work hard and dream of playing harder. Let's face it being a single Mom still has is downfalls and most of them circle around money and time, but I make the most of what I have instead of making excuses and have held on to loving the little moments in life! Someday I do hope I can find someone to share this life with because I was quite fond of the married life!

Tidbits of My Day!

Well let's start with the retreat. It went very well. I am proud of all of us. Year end business for government is very stressful and fast paced and we started to get at each other which is what landed us in a "retreat". Every one of us were able to discuss our roles and the roadblocks we face and what we feel needs to change to run more efficiently without stepping on each others toes. Once again I learned of tasks I am suppose to be handling that I was unaware of. I love my job and the people I work with and feel at home there but I want to do every aspect of it perfectly. All we can do is continue to communicate as well as we did today and stay on management to take the correct actions to help us not only keep up with current clients but to add more business to our thriving company. A great feeling in a failing economy!

My peve of the day...Why does my radio keep going off channel in my van? It's annoying as ever especially when I'm singing away to a really good song! I thought maybe at first it's because I hit a bump but no. For no reason it's changing just a little to make it all fuzzy! Is there a mouse in there. lol I laugh because it's those things now that get under my skin and nothing else! To know me even six months ago you'd laugh with me now too!

I'm excited now too. My Momma, the best Mom ever, has my kids right now getting their pictures taken. It's a suprise to me. (I love suprises!) Let me tell you the little buggers are very photogenic! I can't wait to see how these turn out! I am a proud mommy!

Busy me has a million things to do still and not enough time to do them in. So I am off to transfer laundry, load up what's hopefuly the second to last trip from the old life to new, back here to run more laundry and off to home to hear stories of daycare and bedtime!

Too Many Thoughts at Once...Scatter-Brained!

There are so many thoughts in my head right now I'm not sure where to begin. I have a "retreat" tomorrow for work. I use the word retreat very loosely because I feel it will turn moreso into a massacre. I love my job and the people I work with. The work is somewhat confusing at times, very chaotic and detailed to say the least, but I feel that's why I like it so much. I believe if all my coworkers go into this with an open mind and not taking things personally than we will come out with better communication and effectiveness to do our work and meet deadlines. However, I know my coworkers and it's going to be a massacre. All this comes after too many outbursts and yelling matches. We need this and I feel some don't see it that way! Let's hope management has the same ideas as I do!



Moving sucks, but I've done it yet again. everytime it's a step up and I'm very proud of that. Next time though I hope it's for good. I love my new apartment. It's older and has a lot of cracks and imperfections. That's exactly why I love it though, it has character. This weekend I should be getting a bed. YAY! It'll be the first time in two years I've had a bed of my own. No more sleeping on the couch or floor for me! Somehow I think most night I may still end up on the couch out of habit. The down fall about the apartment is that it is upstairs but it's in my price range and has so much more room, plus it's closer to work for the days I go straight to the base and not to our corporate office. It already feels like home though and that's a feeling I haven't felt since I moved out of my Mom's house.



I'm missing my kids a lot right now. It should be my day but there was more moving to be done and work I had to get done as well. So I traded their Dad today for Thursday. We have probably the strangest shared parenting plan, but it works. Every three days we have them for three days. Last night was my night and I must say everyday it's somethign new. Kk was ... well all girl yet again. Throwing temper tantrums and saying no so she ended up in bed early. SShe didn't stop screaming for an hour though. She is full of meanness. Lil man on the other hand, he was perfect. He definately is a "Momma's Boy". He'll tell you that too, he's proud of it. He ate all his dinner (even the veggies), helped me clean the kitchen up, jabbering the whole time about his day which I treasure. He then watched a movie while I unpacked and tried to entertain Kk. When I said it was bedtime he picked all his toys up, climbed into bed and gave me hugs and kisses. I did find him sleeping next to me this morning but at least I got him to fall asleep in his bed!



Well even though I could type forever, there are things yet to be done. Let's see if I can squeeze in one more trip between apartments and at least an hour at the gym. Though I have a feeling the gym is going to have to wait just a few more days for me to get back to my routine.