Some Days are Better than others...

So much has been going on here it's hard to keep a grasp on things. I've wrote before about my abuse from my ex, I've told you about my wonderful children, my hopes and my goals, I've mentioned my support for our troops and their families, my ambition to go back to school and my job that I love but stresses me to no end.

Lately I haven't had a lot to say because I didn't want to seem down or depress anyone. I've thought about putting these feelings out there anonymously but have chosen not too! This is me! This is my life and my words and people can read or not read it. This is what I'm fighting to never have to hide from and not be ashamed from either.

Now like all single moms (or parents) I struggle with money. When I'm not in the right frame of mind I make poor decisions and I end up financially destroyed. Of course I have done this again. Yes, taxes will bail me out this time when all my forms actually make it here. I want to know how to budget and save off the money I make. I hate scraping to get by and work too hard to keep putting myself in the hole like this! It definitely isn't fair to my kids or a good lesson to them either.

My head just isn't clear anymore. A lot of my problems have come back and I am dealing with them and will never let them get like they were before!!! Last February after two months of counseling I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post traumatic Stress Disorder). I fought the therapist on this because I didn't understand it. I thought PTSD was something soldiers had from war. Which it is but it can also develop after exposure to one or more terrifying events that threatened or caused grave physical harm. The best site to get information about it is a site for veterans. If you want to know more go here.

I was doing so good for so long and now I'm frightened again. I find myself feeling panicky when going out. Always checking for exits and feeling "on guard". Looking over my shoulder. I don't sleep much. I eat more. I smoke more. I drink more (never with my kids around). I'm always trying to figure out WHY. Why do I feel this way again? Why me? Why can't I just be normal? Why do men always threaten me? Why can't I keep a grasp on everyday functions? Why am I forgetting simple things? Why can't I make it stop?

That all just adds to it. There are no answers for the why's! I won't figure it out! It's part of me and a part I desperately want to control. I want to start school to get a degree in Psychology, as I mentioned before. I want this to help myself and to help others. I want to help soldiers after seeing the worst of PTSD in one but also to help survivors of Domestic Violence. It's what I WILL do! However, I am inpatient. To go to school requires time and money. Both of which are in very spare in my world.

My life has so many ups and downs. It's life and it's suppose to. It's when I feel I'm juggling too much that it's all going to come crashing down on me. It's said that God does not give us more than we can handle. Judge me for this if you want, but it's time God cuts me some slack!! I have broad shoulders and can carry a large burden but would like just a couple things at a time please!

Top all these emotions off with waking up this morning to a voicemail from my sister. My Grandpa is in the hospital. Infection in his bowels and gall bladder. Surgery will kill him but so will the infection. Today my Mom signed a DNR by his request. It's antibiotics and pain meds and put his life in Gods hands! I know his suffering needs to end but I'm torn! I blame my Grandpa (and I say this very light-heatedly and jokingly) for my love for the military. On weekends (every weekend growing up) we'd get up Saturday and Sunday morning, just me and him. He'd make these glazed donuts in the toaster oven and pour us cups of coffee (mine was mainly chocolate milk with a dash of coffee) and we'd talk. Mainly about WWII. His brothers and him fought together. He had his uniform, metals, ration books, news articles and lots of photos.

For the last few years Papaw has been in the nursing home and I haven't seen him as often as I should have. I didn't want him knowing the hell I was facing with J. It hurt to see him just sitting in his chair so confused and hurting. He hated being in that place! He wouldn't always remember anyone but he always remembered me. Last time we were in there he didn't remember my face. He took Kaitlin on his lap and talked to her as if she was me. He asked her if she wanted her coffee and donuts and I broke down in tears. I kissed him and hugged him and knew this day was coming but I hate GoodByes! If only we could have those simple days back of being Papaws girl! So much of this pain wouldn't be here!

Tomorrow I'm taking the kids to see him and letting my brother know if he needs to fly up. I hate this! I hate being an adult!