I stayed busy to try not to think about it. I've worn myself out and now just think.
I'm proud of who I am and what I have accomplished in myself in the last two years. Hell, even the last 15. I've never been so unsure of what lies ahead. I know it'll be NOTHING like the past. I feel these are going to be the the best memories...the ones I'm about to find.
It's the memories I want to find the start of. The unknown. From the kids growing too fast every day to finding the strength in my own self and my own heart to learn to love and trust again whole-heatedly. I get closer and closer to finding someone worth a chance. Someone I want to show me for the first time all men aren't the same. And that just being a damn good woman gives me a fair playing ground.
I want love. Love I know and miss. The little things; the simple things; the cuddle in bed at night, watching tv; exhausted and passed out at nine at night just because it's when the kids finally fell asleep; making the most of sneaking off when they kids have taken a nap or fallen asleep early! ; )
I want that look across the room saying I you're beautiful or I want you. I want passion and butterflies. Trusting someone to put your heart in their hands as they trust you to put theirs into yours. Someone who loves staying in and playing with the kids or a family man because my kids are my greatest love. I will never love a man more than my children. A real love would want that.
All that.....is the greatest feeling of happiness there is......it's having all those things that annoy you or the other persons little habits or quirks.......the biggest of all that is that it takes time to learn, to love, to become in sync with.
I'm ready to find someone that wants the same. Also, to stay young and take time to be alone with each other or have some space to be out with friends. It's knowing how to balance all the things in life that make life an amazing ride. It's about knowing and living with honesty, respect, trust, confidence, communication, understanding, patience and balance.
I am a hopeless romantic who's losing hope but ready to start life's next chapter. To find the man that loves me just because I'm me. There are no carbon copies. There are no smoke filled mirrors. I love my friends, family, trying new things, loving life, being stubborn but very giving, I love romance, but I want to be paid attention to for all those reasons.
I want to find that one. He has to be everything I know about love with the part that's unknown. The part that understands why the heart that's always been on my sleeve...The one that's worn black and blue...The scars will remain...I believe **though I'm praying they will not***...until I find the one that knows how to cover those scars with what is completely different than I've ever known. To never see me as an easy target to hurt. To never hurt the very being of who I am. Who doesn't use my kindness and giving nature. The man that would never make me fear from his movements or tone.
I don't want to nor can I be anything different than who I am in my heart. That's the part of me that's always been me. That's the part of me that the wall is built around. I accept that I am not perfect, I'm awfully clumsy, I sometimes speak before I think, I'm a really big dork, but I'm strong, I take care of myself and don't need any one else to. Oh and I HATE scary movies. lol
Oh how Valentines Day use to be my favorite. Yes, I loved getting something that day, mostly if it were just words from lips. More so, because I love showing love. I love hearts. I love a day to remind people how love feels. Those people who don't over-commercialize the day. True love knows what romance is to the one they are with. It's not about oh no have to get a card...blah blah....to a girl like me...It's a day about finding that special way to say **pst...I more than like you...a lot!*** It's a reminder to stop, slow down, just one day and look at who's beside you sharing in the same joys, laughs, smiles, even the struggles, sorrow and frustration; we all call life!
I want Valentines Day to be more than just a day again.....
I want to learn to love again.....
To me....that's simple!
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