Some Days are Better than others...

So much has been going on here it's hard to keep a grasp on things. I've wrote before about my abuse from my ex, I've told you about my wonderful children, my hopes and my goals, I've mentioned my support for our troops and their families, my ambition to go back to school and my job that I love but stresses me to no end.

Lately I haven't had a lot to say because I didn't want to seem down or depress anyone. I've thought about putting these feelings out there anonymously but have chosen not too! This is me! This is my life and my words and people can read or not read it. This is what I'm fighting to never have to hide from and not be ashamed from either.

Now like all single moms (or parents) I struggle with money. When I'm not in the right frame of mind I make poor decisions and I end up financially destroyed. Of course I have done this again. Yes, taxes will bail me out this time when all my forms actually make it here. I want to know how to budget and save off the money I make. I hate scraping to get by and work too hard to keep putting myself in the hole like this! It definitely isn't fair to my kids or a good lesson to them either.

My head just isn't clear anymore. A lot of my problems have come back and I am dealing with them and will never let them get like they were before!!! Last February after two months of counseling I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post traumatic Stress Disorder). I fought the therapist on this because I didn't understand it. I thought PTSD was something soldiers had from war. Which it is but it can also develop after exposure to one or more terrifying events that threatened or caused grave physical harm. The best site to get information about it is a site for veterans. If you want to know more go here.

I was doing so good for so long and now I'm frightened again. I find myself feeling panicky when going out. Always checking for exits and feeling "on guard". Looking over my shoulder. I don't sleep much. I eat more. I smoke more. I drink more (never with my kids around). I'm always trying to figure out WHY. Why do I feel this way again? Why me? Why can't I just be normal? Why do men always threaten me? Why can't I keep a grasp on everyday functions? Why am I forgetting simple things? Why can't I make it stop?

That all just adds to it. There are no answers for the why's! I won't figure it out! It's part of me and a part I desperately want to control. I want to start school to get a degree in Psychology, as I mentioned before. I want this to help myself and to help others. I want to help soldiers after seeing the worst of PTSD in one but also to help survivors of Domestic Violence. It's what I WILL do! However, I am inpatient. To go to school requires time and money. Both of which are in very spare in my world.

My life has so many ups and downs. It's life and it's suppose to. It's when I feel I'm juggling too much that it's all going to come crashing down on me. It's said that God does not give us more than we can handle. Judge me for this if you want, but it's time God cuts me some slack!! I have broad shoulders and can carry a large burden but would like just a couple things at a time please!

Top all these emotions off with waking up this morning to a voicemail from my sister. My Grandpa is in the hospital. Infection in his bowels and gall bladder. Surgery will kill him but so will the infection. Today my Mom signed a DNR by his request. It's antibiotics and pain meds and put his life in Gods hands! I know his suffering needs to end but I'm torn! I blame my Grandpa (and I say this very light-heatedly and jokingly) for my love for the military. On weekends (every weekend growing up) we'd get up Saturday and Sunday morning, just me and him. He'd make these glazed donuts in the toaster oven and pour us cups of coffee (mine was mainly chocolate milk with a dash of coffee) and we'd talk. Mainly about WWII. His brothers and him fought together. He had his uniform, metals, ration books, news articles and lots of photos.

For the last few years Papaw has been in the nursing home and I haven't seen him as often as I should have. I didn't want him knowing the hell I was facing with J. It hurt to see him just sitting in his chair so confused and hurting. He hated being in that place! He wouldn't always remember anyone but he always remembered me. Last time we were in there he didn't remember my face. He took Kaitlin on his lap and talked to her as if she was me. He asked her if she wanted her coffee and donuts and I broke down in tears. I kissed him and hugged him and knew this day was coming but I hate GoodByes! If only we could have those simple days back of being Papaws girl! So much of this pain wouldn't be here!

Tomorrow I'm taking the kids to see him and letting my brother know if he needs to fly up. I hate this! I hate being an adult!

Supporting Our Troops

In my heart lays a desire to reach out and show my support in any way I can for our military, past, present and future. Those that have seen war and those that haven't. Putting on that uniform and being ready, willing and able to lose your life for a country where so many don't see, understand or appreciate the sacrifice, is the most honorable act in my mind. I don't know how to do this well enough to feel proud that I have done my all for them.

I run a Myspace site where I have met and emailed so many people, but don't have the means to be on their as often as I'd like to keep up with my "Internet friends". It's been up and running for over a year now. Without a computer at home I just can't keep up with it like I use to but I do my best and they understand.

I am currently awaiting my information on a soldier that I have adopted through, Adopt A Platoon. Yet another way I can feel I'm "doing my part". To know me IRL is to know that I have a great big heart and if I can make even one person's life just a little lighter or to bring even one smile to someones face makes me happier than ever. I hope I can eventually "adopt" more than one soldier because I feel it's an honorable thing to do.

I've heard stories of war and seen pictures and videos of men that have been there. Watched the horror of soldiers with PTSD and TBI and tried and failed to help them make sense of it all. I watched a unit from beginning to end of one tour in Iraq. Watched through a screen as boys became men and then returned home lost and damaged mentally but physically whole from the things they lived through. The ones that came back amputees and physically disabled seem to be the ones adjusting better to life here than the ones living with the nightmares and how to turn it off. Is this because our country has to pay attention to them because of visible injuries? All of this makes me want to do more.

So here's my goal and my way of doing what I can for myself, my country, my family and all these men and women. I wish I would have done something a lot earlier in life. I realized a few months ago that I am not to old to join the military. I'm just to fat and out of shape. So I went to a local gym talked to a trainer and signed up. After speaking to a few recruiters (each branch) I now work with guidelines to reach my weight and fitness goals. I've given myself one year (because I have a lot to lose) and as long as I stay on track I will reach that goal. I've decided I want to join the Army National Guard. Yes this means time away from my kids and that is the toughest part of this decision.

I went through a period where I really thought this was selfish of me to do to them. After research and losing my first 20 pounds and 10 inches, I realized this is what's best for us all. There's no way around this decision and all of my family and friends I shared this with so far have been extremely supportive and that has shocked me. Ultimately I want to come out of this with true experience of being a soldier and a degree in Psychology, specializing in addictions and PTSD. Someone once told me that no one would listen to me because I didn't have a degree, though I knew what I was talking about. The way I see it: if I have that degree AND the life experience, than I can help our soldiers and do my part. I can do what this country lacks in doing when these men and women come home!