Sunday, January 25, 2009

Me

Since it's nap time, yeah like they'll actually sleep (honestly I think they use this time to plot against me...

I figure I'll just ramble a bit. Maybe a little about me. I'm going to start making my life more about me! To know me IRL, you'd know this is THE absolute hardest thing for me to do! Things I want to do for myself involve: getting in shape, being a little more "high maintenance", let go of the past or learn better how to live with it, someday actually out-smart these munchkins and stop being such sucker and find my true better half!

I've ALWAYS been a big girl. Really can't see myself not being this way, but the stomach HAS to go. I want to run, without being out of breath. Shop in a store that's NOT plus sized. Finally turn someones head not because they're making fun of me *YES this still happens at 31 and with two kids in tow!* Feel confident in wearing something beautiful that even has NO sleeves or even wearing a dress. It's coming but it takes HARD work!

I want to acquire better fashion sense. Holly, can testify to this, I HAVE NO FASHION SENSE! None at all. I want to have a closet full of clothes and shoes that flatter when I put them on, rather than looking like I shop at WalMart (OK some of it does come from there BUT it's cheap and single mom's thrive on low budget) I want jewelry to go with everything! I want to find my inner Diva! KK seems to be born with it, where'd mine go?!?

Learning to live with my past has been the biggest life changing experience for me, even more so than becoming a Mom. I live as a survivor of Domestic Violence everyday. I'm taught to talk about it not only to continue to heal, but to possibly help someone that is going through what I have experienced. Finding a support group and confidence can be challenging. While I hold close to friends and family, sometimes I feel maybe they are sick of it, what I can't tell them is everything I went through. I don't know if they understand how much it still does and always will affect my thinking. How much I still hide from the world. How I need to continue letting it all out until, maybe, hopefully someday, it doesn't cross my mind 12638 times a day!

My babies! Ahhhh I love them more than words can ever describe, most mom's do, right? I look at them and think, "How did I create such amazingly beautiful and smart kids?" I miss being a SAHM! More than anything, but I love working too! I'm a real pushover when it comes to them though and have to learn NOT to be! I'm like this because of my past and feeling guilty for now being a single, working mom. I miss our days of dance parties, picnicking for lunch, free admission on Tuesdays to the museum, pajamas all day and daytime TV. The biggest thing I resented about my Mom growing up was that she wasn't there, she worked too much. Now being that I NEED a second job to make ends meet, will they resent me the same?

Mr. Right....where are you? It's going to be tough to fill these shoes. I want a man with a heart like mine. A man that loves me for who I am and how I look NOW and will love me even more when I'm in shape. A man that will bring in some income but let me be the bread winner. A man that does most the household chores (I really really HATE cleaning-with the exception of laundry and cleaning the bathroom) *Yes I am weird and I admit it!* A man that loves my children as his own but understands that they have a father. A man that will encourage me and my dreams and goals I have set for myself and NEVER make fun of me for them or degrade me in ANY way! Someone with the bad boy attitude but gentle heart. To make me feel like a princess, I no longer want to be Queen! Does he exist somewhere?

There you have it! A little bit of my wants! Do I ask too much? Do I think too much?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You're getting better at the fasion thing :)