If I would have know then...

So I'm still stuck at work and since I took no lunch and only two very quick smoke breaks, I've decided to take a quick break to clear some thoughs and then refocus on work...

So much has gone on in my life over the past two years it's overwhelming. I see myself in a place I never knew I could be. Somethings still linger in my mind on how and why I let myself get to the point I was at. What I wanted all the whole time in those very long two years was simply understanding, peace of mind and people to keep pushing me in a good way. Looking back at it now I'm actually ashamed of the point I was out and disgusted by how I treated myself and how I let other people treat me.

Though I saw it coming but let myself deny it for so long, letting go of my marriage was what initially broke me. The hardest thing I ever had to do was to let go of the only life I had know since highschool. Let go of the only man I had ever loved in my life. There are so many reasons my marriage didn't work and we both have blame in it's failure. One reason only was why I chose to walk away. Unlike what so many people may see of it, I see myslef as a survivor never had I seen myself as a victim. To be a victim I would have been unaware of what was going on and trust me I was fully aware all twelve years of it. To be a survivor, to me, means to recognize and correct what the problem was and set for to never be abused again.

I never wanted pitty before nor do I want it now and that's the most truthful thing that you will ever hear. I wanted to make sense of it all. I wanted someone to give me answers. Still to this day there are some things I can't make sense of, but finally I'm ok with that, because I have the answers I longed for. What I couldn't understand or even grasp was how to start over. How to be me, when for so long I was part of a pair. How do I do for myself when so much of my life, *my entire adult life*, had been part of sharing everything with someone? How do I look in the mirror and love who and what I see, when the only thing I knew of love was to love someone else?

A good friend once explained this and later I read it in a book. "A ball can't bounce back until it actually hits the floor." That saying stuck in my head for so long. I kept wondering, have I hit the floor yet? Was it actually going to get better? I found myself shutting everyone out. Paranoid of everyone. Affraid to laugh and more affraid to tell anyone how I was feeling inside for fear they'd judge me instead of listen and help me. Nightmares kept me up for weeks and months at a time. Going out in public was terrifying to me. I gave up. I felt I was worthless and everything started spiraling out of control too fast for me. I was beyond help though from anyone in my life. I found myself leaning on a man who, while having his part in helping me become who I am today, finally pushed me to my breaking point. I finally hit rock bottom. Let me tell you it's a long way back up once you do. I found myslef ready and wanting to die because I couldn't figure out how to live. Everywhere I turned I was abandoned and alone. Guess what? You don't know your strength until you have no option but to be strong. You can't hide in the shadows anymore when your failures are completely in the light. The most terrifying feeling in the world was feeling ready to die. That's when I took control back of my life!

Today I sit here, whole for the first time in my life. Still very leary of who I can trust and who I can't but for damn good reason. Open to give all but two people second chances, because let's face it, they just don't desserve them! At peace with being divorced and actually happy for Jimmy to have someone and having a baby on the way. I can honestly say I love myself and that's something , in 31 years, I have never done. What I don't like about me I am inproving daily. I've let go of trying to fix other people I once cared about, because I learned that being "fixed" can only come from within. I'm confident in who I am and achieving my goals and in the life I'm setting for myslef.

I do hope someday I'll be able to love fully again because I do finally feel ready for it. Yet, dating is for the birds I tell ya! I do hope I will reach all my goals in the time I have set for myself. Especially my weight goal because that one will make so many others fall into place.

I now think before I speak or act. I control my own happiness and my own life completely. I am far from perfect and I LOVE that. Anyone that doesn't respect or appreciate me is not given the time of day! I work hard and dream of playing harder. Let's face it being a single Mom still has is downfalls and most of them circle around money and time, but I make the most of what I have instead of making excuses and have held on to loving the little moments in life! Someday I do hope I can find someone to share this life with because I was quite fond of the married life!