So much has been going on here it's hard to keep a grasp on things. I've wrote before about my abuse from my ex, I've told you about my wonderful children, my hopes and my goals, I've mentioned my support for our troops and their families, my ambition to go back to school and my job that I love but stresses me to no end.
Lately I haven't had a lot to say because I didn't want to seem down or depress anyone. I've thought about putting these feelings out there anonymously but have chosen not too! This is me! This is my life and my words and people can read or not read it. This is what I'm fighting to never have to hide from and not be ashamed from either.
Now like all single moms (or parents) I struggle with money. When I'm not in the right frame of mind I make poor decisions and I end up financially destroyed. Of course I have done this again. Yes, taxes will bail me out this time when all my forms actually make it here. I want to know how to budget and save off the money I make. I hate scraping to get by and work too hard to keep putting myself in the hole like this! It definitely isn't fair to my kids or a good lesson to them either.
My head just isn't clear anymore. A lot of my problems have come back and I am dealing with them and will never let them get like they were before!!! Last February after two months of counseling I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post traumatic Stress Disorder). I fought the therapist on this because I didn't understand it. I thought PTSD was something soldiers had from war. Which it is but it can also develop after exposure to one or more terrifying events that threatened or caused grave physical harm. The best site to get information about it is a site for veterans. If you want to know more go here.
I was doing so good for so long and now I'm frightened again. I find myself feeling panicky when going out. Always checking for exits and feeling "on guard". Looking over my shoulder. I don't sleep much. I eat more. I smoke more. I drink more (never with my kids around). I'm always trying to figure out WHY. Why do I feel this way again? Why me? Why can't I just be normal? Why do men always threaten me? Why can't I keep a grasp on everyday functions? Why am I forgetting simple things? Why can't I make it stop?
That all just adds to it. There are no answers for the why's! I won't figure it out! It's part of me and a part I desperately want to control. I want to start school to get a degree in Psychology, as I mentioned before. I want this to help myself and to help others. I want to help soldiers after seeing the worst of PTSD in one but also to help survivors of Domestic Violence. It's what I WILL do! However, I am inpatient. To go to school requires time and money. Both of which are in very spare in my world.
My life has so many ups and downs. It's life and it's suppose to. It's when I feel I'm juggling too much that it's all going to come crashing down on me. It's said that God does not give us more than we can handle. Judge me for this if you want, but it's time God cuts me some slack!! I have broad shoulders and can carry a large burden but would like just a couple things at a time please!
Top all these emotions off with waking up this morning to a voicemail from my sister. My Grandpa is in the hospital. Infection in his bowels and gall bladder. Surgery will kill him but so will the infection. Today my Mom signed a DNR by his request. It's antibiotics and pain meds and put his life in Gods hands! I know his suffering needs to end but I'm torn! I blame my Grandpa (and I say this very light-heatedly and jokingly) for my love for the military. On weekends (every weekend growing up) we'd get up Saturday and Sunday morning, just me and him. He'd make these glazed donuts in the toaster oven and pour us cups of coffee (mine was mainly chocolate milk with a dash of coffee) and we'd talk. Mainly about WWII. His brothers and him fought together. He had his uniform, metals, ration books, news articles and lots of photos.
For the last few years Papaw has been in the nursing home and I haven't seen him as often as I should have. I didn't want him knowing the hell I was facing with J. It hurt to see him just sitting in his chair so confused and hurting. He hated being in that place! He wouldn't always remember anyone but he always remembered me. Last time we were in there he didn't remember my face. He took Kaitlin on his lap and talked to her as if she was me. He asked her if she wanted her coffee and donuts and I broke down in tears. I kissed him and hugged him and knew this day was coming but I hate GoodByes! If only we could have those simple days back of being Papaws girl! So much of this pain wouldn't be here!
Tomorrow I'm taking the kids to see him and letting my brother know if he needs to fly up. I hate this! I hate being an adult!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Me
Since it's nap time, yeah like they'll actually sleep (honestly I think they use this time to plot against me...
I figure I'll just ramble a bit. Maybe a little about me. I'm going to start making my life more about me! To know me IRL, you'd know this is THE absolute hardest thing for me to do! Things I want to do for myself involve: getting in shape, being a little more "high maintenance", let go of the past or learn better how to live with it, someday actually out-smart these munchkins and stop being such sucker and find my true better half!
I've ALWAYS been a big girl. Really can't see myself not being this way, but the stomach HAS to go. I want to run, without being out of breath. Shop in a store that's NOT plus sized. Finally turn someones head not because they're making fun of me *YES this still happens at 31 and with two kids in tow!* Feel confident in wearing something beautiful that even has NO sleeves or even wearing a dress. It's coming but it takes HARD work!
I want to acquire better fashion sense. Holly, can testify to this, I HAVE NO FASHION SENSE! None at all. I want to have a closet full of clothes and shoes that flatter when I put them on, rather than looking like I shop at WalMart (OK some of it does come from there BUT it's cheap and single mom's thrive on low budget) I want jewelry to go with everything! I want to find my inner Diva! KK seems to be born with it, where'd mine go?!?
Learning to live with my past has been the biggest life changing experience for me, even more so than becoming a Mom. I live as a survivor of Domestic Violence everyday. I'm taught to talk about it not only to continue to heal, but to possibly help someone that is going through what I have experienced. Finding a support group and confidence can be challenging. While I hold close to friends and family, sometimes I feel maybe they are sick of it, what I can't tell them is everything I went through. I don't know if they understand how much it still does and always will affect my thinking. How much I still hide from the world. How I need to continue letting it all out until, maybe, hopefully someday, it doesn't cross my mind 12638 times a day!
My babies! Ahhhh I love them more than words can ever describe, most mom's do, right? I look at them and think, "How did I create such amazingly beautiful and smart kids?" I miss being a SAHM! More than anything, but I love working too! I'm a real pushover when it comes to them though and have to learn NOT to be! I'm like this because of my past and feeling guilty for now being a single, working mom. I miss our days of dance parties, picnicking for lunch, free admission on Tuesdays to the museum, pajamas all day and daytime TV. The biggest thing I resented about my Mom growing up was that she wasn't there, she worked too much. Now being that I NEED a second job to make ends meet, will they resent me the same?
Mr. Right....where are you? It's going to be tough to fill these shoes. I want a man with a heart like mine. A man that loves me for who I am and how I look NOW and will love me even more when I'm in shape. A man that will bring in some income but let me be the bread winner. A man that does most the household chores (I really really HATE cleaning-with the exception of laundry and cleaning the bathroom) *Yes I am weird and I admit it!* A man that loves my children as his own but understands that they have a father. A man that will encourage me and my dreams and goals I have set for myself and NEVER make fun of me for them or degrade me in ANY way! Someone with the bad boy attitude but gentle heart. To make me feel like a princess, I no longer want to be Queen! Does he exist somewhere?
There you have it! A little bit of my wants! Do I ask too much? Do I think too much?
I figure I'll just ramble a bit. Maybe a little about me. I'm going to start making my life more about me! To know me IRL, you'd know this is THE absolute hardest thing for me to do! Things I want to do for myself involve: getting in shape, being a little more "high maintenance", let go of the past or learn better how to live with it, someday actually out-smart these munchkins and stop being such sucker and find my true better half!
I've ALWAYS been a big girl. Really can't see myself not being this way, but the stomach HAS to go. I want to run, without being out of breath. Shop in a store that's NOT plus sized. Finally turn someones head not because they're making fun of me *YES this still happens at 31 and with two kids in tow!* Feel confident in wearing something beautiful that even has NO sleeves or even wearing a dress. It's coming but it takes HARD work!
I want to acquire better fashion sense. Holly, can testify to this, I HAVE NO FASHION SENSE! None at all. I want to have a closet full of clothes and shoes that flatter when I put them on, rather than looking like I shop at WalMart (OK some of it does come from there BUT it's cheap and single mom's thrive on low budget) I want jewelry to go with everything! I want to find my inner Diva! KK seems to be born with it, where'd mine go?!?
Learning to live with my past has been the biggest life changing experience for me, even more so than becoming a Mom. I live as a survivor of Domestic Violence everyday. I'm taught to talk about it not only to continue to heal, but to possibly help someone that is going through what I have experienced. Finding a support group and confidence can be challenging. While I hold close to friends and family, sometimes I feel maybe they are sick of it, what I can't tell them is everything I went through. I don't know if they understand how much it still does and always will affect my thinking. How much I still hide from the world. How I need to continue letting it all out until, maybe, hopefully someday, it doesn't cross my mind 12638 times a day!
My babies! Ahhhh I love them more than words can ever describe, most mom's do, right? I look at them and think, "How did I create such amazingly beautiful and smart kids?" I miss being a SAHM! More than anything, but I love working too! I'm a real pushover when it comes to them though and have to learn NOT to be! I'm like this because of my past and feeling guilty for now being a single, working mom. I miss our days of dance parties, picnicking for lunch, free admission on Tuesdays to the museum, pajamas all day and daytime TV. The biggest thing I resented about my Mom growing up was that she wasn't there, she worked too much. Now being that I NEED a second job to make ends meet, will they resent me the same?
Mr. Right....where are you? It's going to be tough to fill these shoes. I want a man with a heart like mine. A man that loves me for who I am and how I look NOW and will love me even more when I'm in shape. A man that will bring in some income but let me be the bread winner. A man that does most the household chores (I really really HATE cleaning-with the exception of laundry and cleaning the bathroom) *Yes I am weird and I admit it!* A man that loves my children as his own but understands that they have a father. A man that will encourage me and my dreams and goals I have set for myself and NEVER make fun of me for them or degrade me in ANY way! Someone with the bad boy attitude but gentle heart. To make me feel like a princess, I no longer want to be Queen! Does he exist somewhere?
There you have it! A little bit of my wants! Do I ask too much? Do I think too much?
Friday, January 23, 2009
Sweetness
OK so I'm slow! Thank you Holly, but you are the sweetest.
The only rules are to pass it on? I need more friends! All my friends are sweet!
I can't get that globe with a paperclip thingy to work...Somedays I''m completely technologically incompetent! Sorry!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Sleep Deprived...
I haven't had a lot to say recently only because every time I try to write something too many thoughts come to my head. Honestly, it would just be downright sad! Not that I try to be but I think life is just going too fast anymore. Somedays I do wonder where my strength comes from. I guess I have broad shoulders for a reason.
Work slowed down only for a week or so and now the Government side (the side I work for) is just slammed. Being on the GSA team means we work sometimes with some very short deadlines and always with strict guidelines! It's chaotic and overwhelming, but crazy me, I love it! However, I would perform much more efficiently if people would just get off my back!
The kids...OMG it's something new yet everyday. Their laughs and smiles remind me everyday exactly why I'm alive! I just want to be the best Mom possible and make sure I instill the values I hold closest to my heart! Honesty in everything they do, respect for others, hearts as big as a mountain, laughter that fills the air and belief in themselves and all they do. I want them to know one day how hard it was for Mommy to walk away and raise them in what seems to be too common, but it was the only thing I could do to ensure I would be there for them through everything! My biggest fear is failing them in any way!
Men...well they are just plain...idiots. It sucks, this whole dating thing. Do all men lack the knowledge of honesty? Maybe I'm jumping the gun but it does seems they're all the same. They want the beautifully wrapped package; no matter what lies inside! Someday someone will prove me wrong there and I hope it's sooner than later! I really just don't like being alone! Life is better shared!
Off to bed now! I haven't slept much lately so I need to catch up! OH and still NO dang fridge! UGH!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Interviewed
Holly has interviewed me andhere are my questions...
1. If you could be friends with any celebrity, who would it be and why?
This was tough for me, but I've finally chosen Sarah Ramirez from Grey's Anatomy. I love the show and when she came onto the show I just adored her. It's nice to see someone cast that doesn't look like she's starved! She's beautiful and strong and I have a feeling she's a lot like that in real life, though I could be wrong. But that's who I choose.
2. What do you remember about your first day of school?
I remember starting Kindergarten and getting to school and waiting in the gym. I was scared to death. I knew my sister was at school and all I wanted was her. I remember crying so hard that they went and got her for me. She sat with me and held my hand and assured me I was alright. I guess my fear of being alone started real early. It took a few weeks before I could go to class by myself but until I was ready she was there everyday holding my hand!
3. Who makes you laugh more than anyone in the world?
That is hands down my kids. They bring me new laughs everyday! From camo boy, to KK's crazy hair, pretending to be cats for a whole day, embarassing me, their favorite songs (The five dollar footlong song from Subway and the theme from Cops), dancing, playing, dressing up and even their imaginary friend "Mack" the bumble bee!
4. If you could choose your own first name, what would it be?
I've grow to love my name though there are a million other Jennifer's in this world! Going through school there were never less than three of us in a class at one time. If I had to choose it would hands down be Grace. Only because I have NO grace. I am by far the biggest clutz in the world. How I have managed to not injure myself more severly or even my children is beyond me. As I told someone last night..."It's all part of my charm!" =)
5. If you could fly in a hot-air balloon over any city in the world, what city would you choose?
Another difficult one for me. I have a slight fear of heights but I am wanting to overcome this by flying in a Hot Air Ballon and sky diving! It's hard to pick just one city. I'll pick anything tropical or specifically I'm going to pick Fiji. It's just beautiful. See the pic below. Any Island that resembles a heart works for me!
1. If you could be friends with any celebrity, who would it be and why?
This was tough for me, but I've finally chosen Sarah Ramirez from Grey's Anatomy. I love the show and when she came onto the show I just adored her. It's nice to see someone cast that doesn't look like she's starved! She's beautiful and strong and I have a feeling she's a lot like that in real life, though I could be wrong. But that's who I choose.
2. What do you remember about your first day of school?
I remember starting Kindergarten and getting to school and waiting in the gym. I was scared to death. I knew my sister was at school and all I wanted was her. I remember crying so hard that they went and got her for me. She sat with me and held my hand and assured me I was alright. I guess my fear of being alone started real early. It took a few weeks before I could go to class by myself but until I was ready she was there everyday holding my hand!
3. Who makes you laugh more than anyone in the world?
That is hands down my kids. They bring me new laughs everyday! From camo boy, to KK's crazy hair, pretending to be cats for a whole day, embarassing me, their favorite songs (The five dollar footlong song from Subway and the theme from Cops), dancing, playing, dressing up and even their imaginary friend "Mack" the bumble bee!
4. If you could choose your own first name, what would it be?
I've grow to love my name though there are a million other Jennifer's in this world! Going through school there were never less than three of us in a class at one time. If I had to choose it would hands down be Grace. Only because I have NO grace. I am by far the biggest clutz in the world. How I have managed to not injure myself more severly or even my children is beyond me. As I told someone last night..."It's all part of my charm!" =)
5. If you could fly in a hot-air balloon over any city in the world, what city would you choose?
Another difficult one for me. I have a slight fear of heights but I am wanting to overcome this by flying in a Hot Air Ballon and sky diving! It's hard to pick just one city. I'll pick anything tropical or specifically I'm going to pick Fiji. It's just beautiful. See the pic below. Any Island that resembles a heart works for me!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Updating My Previous post
Well Captain Obvious showed up to tell me my fridge was broke! DUH! Thank you for that I couldn't tell! New fridge coming soon!
So here we go....Jenn's dating adventures begin!
He *Still not sure what to call him* texted to make sure we were still on tonight! So keeping my previous commitment to my brother I am picking him up at 6:30ish, which by the time now means probably 7! oops I had to go find something to wear tonight, for real!
I'm meeting *insert name here when I figure out what this is, but for now he's R* at the Moose. Than we're going back to where he's house sitting (his brother's house and my friend; which is how R came into the picture)
How did this night come about? Well apparently a couple weekends ago, when I was out watching him and his brother shoot pool, I made the comment that I didn't need a man for anything but to cuddle. *Thank you Captain Morgans for that one because I don't recall those words coming from MY mouth!
I guess he decided this week that he was the one for that job! Of course I agreed because we get along very well and have become good friends. There's a story behind that too that I will share someday. So far this one is different. He makes me laugh and doesn't seems to mind that I AM the biggest dork you will ever meet! He's rented or brought DVD's for us to watch! Awww Even asked if I was riding with him or following him to his brothers! I chose to follow. A girl always needs a way out if needed! I do know that ONE thing about dating!
This should be interesting! I'm not going into it this time with any expectations or hopes! I'm simply playing it cool and seeing what happens! I know I'll embarrass myself in some way, I am a dork and proud to be! It's part o my charm!
Wish me luck. Excuse any typos or ramblings. I'm not nervous at all! If you believe that well then I have a fabulous refrigerator for sell! It's ice cold and smells fabulous! =)
OH and way to go O on your game! Sorry I missed it buddy!
So here we go....Jenn's dating adventures begin!
He *Still not sure what to call him* texted to make sure we were still on tonight! So keeping my previous commitment to my brother I am picking him up at 6:30ish, which by the time now means probably 7! oops I had to go find something to wear tonight, for real!
I'm meeting *insert name here when I figure out what this is, but for now he's R* at the Moose. Than we're going back to where he's house sitting (his brother's house and my friend; which is how R came into the picture)
How did this night come about? Well apparently a couple weekends ago, when I was out watching him and his brother shoot pool, I made the comment that I didn't need a man for anything but to cuddle. *Thank you Captain Morgans for that one because I don't recall those words coming from MY mouth!
I guess he decided this week that he was the one for that job! Of course I agreed because we get along very well and have become good friends. There's a story behind that too that I will share someday. So far this one is different. He makes me laugh and doesn't seems to mind that I AM the biggest dork you will ever meet! He's rented or brought DVD's for us to watch! Awww Even asked if I was riding with him or following him to his brothers! I chose to follow. A girl always needs a way out if needed! I do know that ONE thing about dating!
This should be interesting! I'm not going into it this time with any expectations or hopes! I'm simply playing it cool and seeing what happens! I know I'll embarrass myself in some way, I am a dork and proud to be! It's part o my charm!
Wish me luck. Excuse any typos or ramblings. I'm not nervous at all! If you believe that well then I have a fabulous refrigerator for sell! It's ice cold and smells fabulous! =)
OH and way to go O on your game! Sorry I missed it buddy!
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