Dear Papaw,

Lately I haven't been the best that I could be to you. I haven't come around in the past couple years as often as I've wanted or should have. I didn't want and couldn't let you see the hell my life was taking me through. You are the ONLY man I know, that if you knew what J was doing to me, that would have killed him. Literally! I didn't want you to see how bad off I was. I'm eternally sorry for that! Though I know you asked me all the time if he was hurting me. How were you the only one that knew?

You gave me so many memories that I cherish and are all running through my head right now. You ARE the only man that has always made me feel like a princess. Maybe it's because I was and always will be Papaw's little girl!

My love for Roses, came from you. The hours we would spend taking care of our roses were times I looked forward to every day I was with you. I remember every time one bloomed I couldn't wait to pick them. You always made me wait until they were in full bloom. We take your shearers and cut one for Mamaw and two for me. I remember loving the red ones the best and remember when you planted a red mini rose bush just for me. I loved getting dirty and tending the roses was always our excuse to go play in the dirt. We'd loosen the soil so they had room to grow and pick any weeds. We'd snip any dead leaves off and most days just sit and look at them. I remember one you planted for Mamaw. It was a silver rose bush. You'd tell me it was silver and I'd laugh and tell you that you were silly because it was purple. There were always roses on your table cut by me and you!

My love for all things apples? Yep from you too! The two big apple trees in front of your house in Englewood I can still see. We'd pick apples when they were ripe and you'd spend days and weeks making pies, apple butter, fried apples and fried apple pies. lol Mom and Mamaw use to always tell you and me both that I didn't need so many apples cuz they'd give me the "poops". We always laughed because they never did. You told me eat as much as I wanted and I did.

Coffee and donuts and war stories will always be my favorite. We were always the first two up in the mornings and this was our time. I remember looking at your pictures and being so proud and always wanting to know more and more. Especially when we studied WWII in school and I got to interview you. You thought it was so funny and you said I could do the interview myself, but I made you tell it again. I remember you telling me the good things of war. The buddies you made and hadn't seen in so long. The countries you had seen. You guys playing cards and your brothers being there with you and you watched over each other. You had your harmonica that you carried with you and you and your men would play and sing on nights you weren't out. You let me read your letters you sent back home and it amazes me to this day because I think of how amazing it would have been for you to have the Internet like we do now.

You nicknamed me turtle. You loved to tell me how when we'd get to your house Mom would put me in the playpen and I'd lay there on my belly. You'd come in the room and every time I heard you I'd raise my head and look around for you like a turtle. You said you'd always get in trouble for picking me up but you did anyways and we'd pal around because you hated me being in that cage. One summer on vacation in the smokies you and I found a turtle and said we should name it Jenny because it reminded you of me being a baby. We took a crayon and wrote Jenny on it's shell and set it free.

I remember your birds. We'd sing and tweet at them. I'd help you clip their wings and clean their cages. You had a little yellow one you named after me. I liked that bird until you let her out of her cage. She always flew over to me and you'd say there's my two Jenny's and you'd take pictures of us. She always pooped on me though! You laugh so hard at me for being grossed out.

You taught me to cook. Making Chicken and Dumplings, all things apple, carmel popcorn, beef brisket, fried cheese lol and turn overs too. Making candy with you was my favorite. From fudge, almond bark, buckeyes, all your easter eggs to the chocolate lambs you'd make for Easter.

Any day now you'll be heading Home. Papaw I'll never forget you! I wish that I would have had the kids earlier in life so they could know how amazing of a man and grandpa you were. How you loved to play and make us all laugh. You always made sure all of us kids had bikes. How you and Mamaw made the best candy around, heck you two made the best food around. I'll always remember our summer vacations and how you spoiled us so very much! You can go home now and be in peace. I know how hard these past few years have been on you and I'm sorry I couldn't be around as much as I should have.

Papaw, you'll always be my hero! You'll always be the man that filled the shoes my Daddy didn't when I was little! You'll always be the man who gave me my love for apples, roses, the Military and Chicken and Dumplings too! =)

I Love You! Thank you!

If I would have know then...

So I'm still stuck at work and since I took no lunch and only two very quick smoke breaks, I've decided to take a quick break to clear some thoughs and then refocus on work...

So much has gone on in my life over the past two years it's overwhelming. I see myself in a place I never knew I could be. Somethings still linger in my mind on how and why I let myself get to the point I was at. What I wanted all the whole time in those very long two years was simply understanding, peace of mind and people to keep pushing me in a good way. Looking back at it now I'm actually ashamed of the point I was out and disgusted by how I treated myself and how I let other people treat me.

Though I saw it coming but let myself deny it for so long, letting go of my marriage was what initially broke me. The hardest thing I ever had to do was to let go of the only life I had know since highschool. Let go of the only man I had ever loved in my life. There are so many reasons my marriage didn't work and we both have blame in it's failure. One reason only was why I chose to walk away. Unlike what so many people may see of it, I see myslef as a survivor never had I seen myself as a victim. To be a victim I would have been unaware of what was going on and trust me I was fully aware all twelve years of it. To be a survivor, to me, means to recognize and correct what the problem was and set for to never be abused again.

I never wanted pitty before nor do I want it now and that's the most truthful thing that you will ever hear. I wanted to make sense of it all. I wanted someone to give me answers. Still to this day there are some things I can't make sense of, but finally I'm ok with that, because I have the answers I longed for. What I couldn't understand or even grasp was how to start over. How to be me, when for so long I was part of a pair. How do I do for myself when so much of my life, *my entire adult life*, had been part of sharing everything with someone? How do I look in the mirror and love who and what I see, when the only thing I knew of love was to love someone else?

A good friend once explained this and later I read it in a book. "A ball can't bounce back until it actually hits the floor." That saying stuck in my head for so long. I kept wondering, have I hit the floor yet? Was it actually going to get better? I found myself shutting everyone out. Paranoid of everyone. Affraid to laugh and more affraid to tell anyone how I was feeling inside for fear they'd judge me instead of listen and help me. Nightmares kept me up for weeks and months at a time. Going out in public was terrifying to me. I gave up. I felt I was worthless and everything started spiraling out of control too fast for me. I was beyond help though from anyone in my life. I found myself leaning on a man who, while having his part in helping me become who I am today, finally pushed me to my breaking point. I finally hit rock bottom. Let me tell you it's a long way back up once you do. I found myslef ready and wanting to die because I couldn't figure out how to live. Everywhere I turned I was abandoned and alone. Guess what? You don't know your strength until you have no option but to be strong. You can't hide in the shadows anymore when your failures are completely in the light. The most terrifying feeling in the world was feeling ready to die. That's when I took control back of my life!

Today I sit here, whole for the first time in my life. Still very leary of who I can trust and who I can't but for damn good reason. Open to give all but two people second chances, because let's face it, they just don't desserve them! At peace with being divorced and actually happy for Jimmy to have someone and having a baby on the way. I can honestly say I love myself and that's something , in 31 years, I have never done. What I don't like about me I am inproving daily. I've let go of trying to fix other people I once cared about, because I learned that being "fixed" can only come from within. I'm confident in who I am and achieving my goals and in the life I'm setting for myslef.

I do hope someday I'll be able to love fully again because I do finally feel ready for it. Yet, dating is for the birds I tell ya! I do hope I will reach all my goals in the time I have set for myself. Especially my weight goal because that one will make so many others fall into place.

I now think before I speak or act. I control my own happiness and my own life completely. I am far from perfect and I LOVE that. Anyone that doesn't respect or appreciate me is not given the time of day! I work hard and dream of playing harder. Let's face it being a single Mom still has is downfalls and most of them circle around money and time, but I make the most of what I have instead of making excuses and have held on to loving the little moments in life! Someday I do hope I can find someone to share this life with because I was quite fond of the married life!