Just Another Day

Valentines Day...........hmmm........Just another Day............again.

I stayed busy to try not to think about it. I've worn myself out and now just think.

I'm proud of who I am and what I have accomplished in myself in the last two years. Hell, even the last 15. I've never been so unsure of what lies ahead. I know it'll be NOTHING like the past. I feel these are going to be the the best memories...the ones I'm about to find.

It's the memories I want to find the start of. The unknown. From the kids growing too fast every day to finding the strength in my own self and my own heart to learn to love and trust again whole-heatedly. I get closer and closer to finding someone worth a chance. Someone I want to show me for the first time all men aren't the same. And that just being a damn good woman gives me a fair playing ground.

I want love. Love I know and miss. The little things; the simple things; the cuddle in bed at night, watching tv; exhausted and passed out at nine at night just because it's when the kids finally fell asleep; making the most of sneaking off when they kids have taken a nap or fallen asleep early! ; )

I want that look across the room saying I you're beautiful or I want you. I want passion and butterflies. Trusting someone to put your heart in their hands as they trust you to put theirs into yours. Someone who loves staying in and playing with the kids or a family man because my kids are my greatest love. I will never love a man more than my children. A real love would want that.

All that.....is the greatest feeling of happiness there is......it's having all those things that annoy you or the other persons little habits or quirks.......the biggest of all that is that it takes time to learn, to love, to become in sync with.

I'm ready to find someone that wants the same. Also, to stay young and take time to be alone with each other or have some space to be out with friends. It's knowing how to balance all the things in life that make life an amazing ride. It's about knowing and living with honesty, respect, trust, confidence, communication, understanding, patience and balance.

I am a hopeless romantic who's losing hope but ready to start life's next chapter. To find the man that loves me just because I'm me. There are no carbon copies. There are no smoke filled mirrors. I love my friends, family, trying new things, loving life, being stubborn but very giving, I love romance, but I want to be paid attention to for all those reasons.

I want to find that one. He has to be everything I know about love with the part that's unknown. The part that understands why the heart that's always been on my sleeve...The one that's worn black and blue...The scars will remain...I believe **though I'm praying they will not***...until I find the one that knows how to cover those scars with what is completely different than I've ever known. To never see me as an easy target to hurt. To never hurt the very being of who I am. Who doesn't use my kindness and giving nature. The man that would never make me fear from his movements or tone.

I don't want to nor can I be anything different than who I am in my heart. That's the part of me that's always been me. That's the part of me that the wall is built around. I accept that I am not perfect, I'm awfully clumsy, I sometimes speak before I think, I'm a really big dork, but I'm strong, I take care of myself and don't need any one else to. Oh and I HATE scary movies. lol

Oh how Valentines Day use to be my favorite. Yes, I loved getting something that day, mostly if it were just words from lips. More so, because I love showing love. I love hearts. I love a day to remind people how love feels. Those people who don't over-commercialize the day. True love knows what romance is to the one they are with. It's not about oh no have to get a card...blah blah....to a girl like me...It's a day about finding that special way to say **pst...I more than like you...a lot!*** It's a reminder to stop, slow down, just one day and look at who's beside you sharing in the same joys, laughs, smiles, even the struggles, sorrow and frustration; we all call life!

I want Valentines Day to be more than just a day again.....

I want to learn to love again.....

To me....that's simple!

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

So far February has been real rough on me. Truthfully 2009 hasn't been that great at all. The fridge...still works a day or two a week and WILL be taken care of by this weekend. Papaw passing. Work....well....my hours were cut. Thank you economy. Needless to say; this single Mom is struggling.

My kids and my friends, however, keep me grounded!

I took this picture a couple Mondays ago. As I was singing my good morning song to the kids while getting myself ready, the Diva strolled in the bathroom all sleepy eyed. I stood her on the throne and asked her what was a matter. Her reply, "It's Monday Mommy. I'm not going to school."

So far 2009 has just felt like one never ending Monday and Mommy feels just like the Diva looks!

Circle Of Life

So the last post I wrote was meant as a way for me to remember my Papaw and as a letter for him. I was going to read it to him when I went to visit him Monday in Hospice. Monday morning I received a call from my Mom at 6am. Hospice contacted her that family needed to come say their Goodbyes, Death was eminent. I threw on clothes, emailed work I wouldn't be in and started gathering the kids through tear filled eyes and a very scared heart. Not but a half hour and she called back. Papaw had passed.

I continued to get the kids up and ready and off to daycare. I needed to be there with him and they were too young to be there. I explained to them that Papaw was gone. They were full of question, sad but such troopers. I'm glad they don't grasp the pain Mommy was feeling. I did all I could not to cry in front of them but I did. On the way to daycare lil man asked me if I was sad. I told him yes. The sweet lil man I'm proudly raising told me, "Mommy don't be sad! There's candy in Heaven."

We finished our ride through Mommy holding back the flood.

These past couple days have been a complete wash with me. I've grieved and grieved hard. I was mad at myself for not being there more. I've cried and been so very angry. I've remembered and reminisced. I've bummed out and blown up.

Tonight I've started slowly pulling it back together. It's sad our time is over. I remembered the good times we had. The fun. The smiles. All my precious memories and even some I'd temporarily forgotten. In all those memories and all the tears and through all that I remembered my greatest memories of all.

Family! I remember my cousins before we all started growing up. My Uncles and Aunts before we started being Adults. I remembered when we were still their little Nieces and Nephews and their children. Somewhere along the line we all lost the closeness and fun we had as kids and we became the parents to the ones creating the memories that now rush through me. I miss being little and I miss being Papaws Girl!

I see just how much this very man shaped my life. He taught me my honesty. He was a man I could never lie to. If ever I tried he saw right through it. He taught me I wasn't always going to do the right thing but when I make a mistake learn from it. Always apologize and always hold your head high!

He always brought smiles to peoples faces and knew someone everywhere we would go. Whether it be the candy shop where he bought the molds for all the candy and cakes he and Mamaw made, going out to eat at Ponderosa or Big Boy or Red Lobster, the post office, the grocery from the man in produce to the Pharmacist to the cashier, that farm we would go to when we got eggs with double yolks or anywhere he knew someone and they always held a conversation with him. They always looked forward to see him. He remembered everyones birthday or anniversaries or Graduations.

He taught me to fish, sing, dance, cook, grow roses, fish, play baseball, paint, wash and wax a car, skip a stone, play tic tac toe and jacks...he taught me how to be a kid. Showed me how to be happy. Taught me to respect and do for others. And never to give up!

I realized at his viewing that he did share a lot with me. Our coffee and donuts and war stories was something special between us. I admired him all these years as a veteran, a family man, a friend to all and my best friend growing up. He's the one that taught me that if it was something I wanted and I didn't give up on that dream I would have it.

I know we all have our memories of him and we all share some of the same ones. We all knew and loved the same man. Papaw was like a father figure to me. I've realized the very things he gave me that live on in me. He grew my love for roses, started my love for fishing and baseball, my ability to cook, my desire to change the world one smile at a time, my stubbornness, that good deeds do come full circle and what keeps me going today...my pride and respect for the military. To me and I hope to all; he is the definition of a true American Hero. He loved and fought for his country, his family and his life. He worked hard for what he had and was a stubborn and very loveable man.

Tomorrow we lay his body in the ground and keep his memories alive. Not only in thought but also in the way we live our lives.

He is Missed and Loved beyond his ALMOST 91 years!

Papaw

February 26, 1917 ~ February 2, 2009

May You Rest In Peace

Dear Papaw,

Lately I haven't been the best that I could be to you. I haven't come around in the past couple years as often as I've wanted or should have. I didn't want and couldn't let you see the hell my life was taking me through. You are the ONLY man I know, that if you knew what J was doing to me, that would have killed him. Literally! I didn't want you to see how bad off I was. I'm eternally sorry for that! Though I know you asked me all the time if he was hurting me. How were you the only one that knew?

You gave me so many memories that I cherish and are all running through my head right now. You ARE the only man that has always made me feel like a princess. Maybe it's because I was and always will be Papaw's little girl!

My love for Roses, came from you. The hours we would spend taking care of our roses were times I looked forward to every day I was with you. I remember every time one bloomed I couldn't wait to pick them. You always made me wait until they were in full bloom. We take your shearers and cut one for Mamaw and two for me. I remember loving the red ones the best and remember when you planted a red mini rose bush just for me. I loved getting dirty and tending the roses was always our excuse to go play in the dirt. We'd loosen the soil so they had room to grow and pick any weeds. We'd snip any dead leaves off and most days just sit and look at them. I remember one you planted for Mamaw. It was a silver rose bush. You'd tell me it was silver and I'd laugh and tell you that you were silly because it was purple. There were always roses on your table cut by me and you!

My love for all things apples? Yep from you too! The two big apple trees in front of your house in Englewood I can still see. We'd pick apples when they were ripe and you'd spend days and weeks making pies, apple butter, fried apples and fried apple pies. lol Mom and Mamaw use to always tell you and me both that I didn't need so many apples cuz they'd give me the "poops". We always laughed because they never did. You told me eat as much as I wanted and I did.

Coffee and donuts and war stories will always be my favorite. We were always the first two up in the mornings and this was our time. I remember looking at your pictures and being so proud and always wanting to know more and more. Especially when we studied WWII in school and I got to interview you. You thought it was so funny and you said I could do the interview myself, but I made you tell it again. I remember you telling me the good things of war. The buddies you made and hadn't seen in so long. The countries you had seen. You guys playing cards and your brothers being there with you and you watched over each other. You had your harmonica that you carried with you and you and your men would play and sing on nights you weren't out. You let me read your letters you sent back home and it amazes me to this day because I think of how amazing it would have been for you to have the Internet like we do now.

You nicknamed me turtle. You loved to tell me how when we'd get to your house Mom would put me in the playpen and I'd lay there on my belly. You'd come in the room and every time I heard you I'd raise my head and look around for you like a turtle. You said you'd always get in trouble for picking me up but you did anyways and we'd pal around because you hated me being in that cage. One summer on vacation in the smokies you and I found a turtle and said we should name it Jenny because it reminded you of me being a baby. We took a crayon and wrote Jenny on it's shell and set it free.

I remember your birds. We'd sing and tweet at them. I'd help you clip their wings and clean their cages. You had a little yellow one you named after me. I liked that bird until you let her out of her cage. She always flew over to me and you'd say there's my two Jenny's and you'd take pictures of us. She always pooped on me though! You laugh so hard at me for being grossed out.

You taught me to cook. Making Chicken and Dumplings, all things apple, carmel popcorn, beef brisket, fried cheese lol and turn overs too. Making candy with you was my favorite. From fudge, almond bark, buckeyes, all your easter eggs to the chocolate lambs you'd make for Easter.

Any day now you'll be heading Home. Papaw I'll never forget you! I wish that I would have had the kids earlier in life so they could know how amazing of a man and grandpa you were. How you loved to play and make us all laugh. You always made sure all of us kids had bikes. How you and Mamaw made the best candy around, heck you two made the best food around. I'll always remember our summer vacations and how you spoiled us so very much! You can go home now and be in peace. I know how hard these past few years have been on you and I'm sorry I couldn't be around as much as I should have.

Papaw, you'll always be my hero! You'll always be the man that filled the shoes my Daddy didn't when I was little! You'll always be the man who gave me my love for apples, roses, the Military and Chicken and Dumplings too! =)

I Love You! Thank you!

What's the right thing to do?

We spent the day with Papaw today. First thing this morning the kids and I went to the hospital to see him. I was scared to death. I told them Papaw was very sick and he needed lots of hugs and kisses. They were both amazing! Papaw was more alert than I thought he would be. Both kids didn't shy to giving him kisses on his forehead and telling him how much they loved him. They both told him stories of playing in the snow with J and that they were going to color him pictures at school tomorrow so he'd feel better.

Lil man loved me holding him up so he could see Papaw and Papaw did too. Then it hit! Lil man (bless his heart) looked at me and said "My Papaws Dying!" Tears instantly filled my eyes and I told him yes he is. My amazing little boy hugged my neck and said it's ok Mommy he's going to heaven.

No matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop the tears and I looked to see Papaw's eyes filling up too! As I looked across the room my Mom was also red eyed and crying as well. This sweet little boy is wise beyond his precious years.

We didn't stay at the hospital long for Papaw was in pain. He was shortly being transported to Hospice and we'd meet him there. So we loaded up in the van and set out for Mamaw's. On the way were a bunch of questions. "Will he get better? Does he know we love him? Will Papaw like a picture with paint or crayons?" All of which I answered truthfully and through tear filled eyes. are they too young for all this.

Then my own questions began. Where's he being buried at? Is he going to have a flag on his coffin? Have they arranged for a proper burial for a Veteran or just for a family member? Who gets his Army stuff that built my memories of him so fondly?

Mamaw's wasn't any easier. Her dementia has such control over her she doesn't know what to think or feel and when she does, five minutes later she's reset. We ate and lined some things up, my sister, Aunt and I then I packed the kids and Mamaw into the van and headed for Hospice. *Of course AFTER I collected a couple of his Army books to at least set up some memory of them before returning them to where I found them. Funny though of all the family, I'm the only one that knew where they were kept. Of course I pointed that out to my Mom too!*

Hospice was nice. Quiet and comfy but death lurked in that place. Papaw slept the whole time we were there. His pain meds have been increased and all IV's have now been ceased. He has a special bed coming soon because of a real bad bed sore seems no one knew about. The nurses were so nice. They even gave the kids bags with toys and coloring books, crayons and candy in them. Anything to make this easier. At least he seemed in peace and not in pain like he was at the hospital!

Here's my dilemma that I went round with my mom about earlier. J and I discussed this and I feel we are the ones to make this decision. I feel BOTH kids are way too young for the viewing and funeral. My first funeral still haunts me to this day. Mom thinks they HAVE to be there. I want the time to deal with my emotions and say goodbye to my Papaw. I don't want the kids seeing Mommy crying anymore than they already have. They are too little to understand and I don't want them being afraid. Maybe I'm being selfish?

Some Days are Better than others...

So much has been going on here it's hard to keep a grasp on things. I've wrote before about my abuse from my ex, I've told you about my wonderful children, my hopes and my goals, I've mentioned my support for our troops and their families, my ambition to go back to school and my job that I love but stresses me to no end.

Lately I haven't had a lot to say because I didn't want to seem down or depress anyone. I've thought about putting these feelings out there anonymously but have chosen not too! This is me! This is my life and my words and people can read or not read it. This is what I'm fighting to never have to hide from and not be ashamed from either.

Now like all single moms (or parents) I struggle with money. When I'm not in the right frame of mind I make poor decisions and I end up financially destroyed. Of course I have done this again. Yes, taxes will bail me out this time when all my forms actually make it here. I want to know how to budget and save off the money I make. I hate scraping to get by and work too hard to keep putting myself in the hole like this! It definitely isn't fair to my kids or a good lesson to them either.

My head just isn't clear anymore. A lot of my problems have come back and I am dealing with them and will never let them get like they were before!!! Last February after two months of counseling I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post traumatic Stress Disorder). I fought the therapist on this because I didn't understand it. I thought PTSD was something soldiers had from war. Which it is but it can also develop after exposure to one or more terrifying events that threatened or caused grave physical harm. The best site to get information about it is a site for veterans. If you want to know more go here.

I was doing so good for so long and now I'm frightened again. I find myself feeling panicky when going out. Always checking for exits and feeling "on guard". Looking over my shoulder. I don't sleep much. I eat more. I smoke more. I drink more (never with my kids around). I'm always trying to figure out WHY. Why do I feel this way again? Why me? Why can't I just be normal? Why do men always threaten me? Why can't I keep a grasp on everyday functions? Why am I forgetting simple things? Why can't I make it stop?

That all just adds to it. There are no answers for the why's! I won't figure it out! It's part of me and a part I desperately want to control. I want to start school to get a degree in Psychology, as I mentioned before. I want this to help myself and to help others. I want to help soldiers after seeing the worst of PTSD in one but also to help survivors of Domestic Violence. It's what I WILL do! However, I am inpatient. To go to school requires time and money. Both of which are in very spare in my world.

My life has so many ups and downs. It's life and it's suppose to. It's when I feel I'm juggling too much that it's all going to come crashing down on me. It's said that God does not give us more than we can handle. Judge me for this if you want, but it's time God cuts me some slack!! I have broad shoulders and can carry a large burden but would like just a couple things at a time please!

Top all these emotions off with waking up this morning to a voicemail from my sister. My Grandpa is in the hospital. Infection in his bowels and gall bladder. Surgery will kill him but so will the infection. Today my Mom signed a DNR by his request. It's antibiotics and pain meds and put his life in Gods hands! I know his suffering needs to end but I'm torn! I blame my Grandpa (and I say this very light-heatedly and jokingly) for my love for the military. On weekends (every weekend growing up) we'd get up Saturday and Sunday morning, just me and him. He'd make these glazed donuts in the toaster oven and pour us cups of coffee (mine was mainly chocolate milk with a dash of coffee) and we'd talk. Mainly about WWII. His brothers and him fought together. He had his uniform, metals, ration books, news articles and lots of photos.

For the last few years Papaw has been in the nursing home and I haven't seen him as often as I should have. I didn't want him knowing the hell I was facing with J. It hurt to see him just sitting in his chair so confused and hurting. He hated being in that place! He wouldn't always remember anyone but he always remembered me. Last time we were in there he didn't remember my face. He took Kaitlin on his lap and talked to her as if she was me. He asked her if she wanted her coffee and donuts and I broke down in tears. I kissed him and hugged him and knew this day was coming but I hate GoodByes! If only we could have those simple days back of being Papaws girl! So much of this pain wouldn't be here!

Tomorrow I'm taking the kids to see him and letting my brother know if he needs to fly up. I hate this! I hate being an adult!

Me

Since it's nap time, yeah like they'll actually sleep (honestly I think they use this time to plot against me...

I figure I'll just ramble a bit. Maybe a little about me. I'm going to start making my life more about me! To know me IRL, you'd know this is THE absolute hardest thing for me to do! Things I want to do for myself involve: getting in shape, being a little more "high maintenance", let go of the past or learn better how to live with it, someday actually out-smart these munchkins and stop being such sucker and find my true better half!

I've ALWAYS been a big girl. Really can't see myself not being this way, but the stomach HAS to go. I want to run, without being out of breath. Shop in a store that's NOT plus sized. Finally turn someones head not because they're making fun of me *YES this still happens at 31 and with two kids in tow!* Feel confident in wearing something beautiful that even has NO sleeves or even wearing a dress. It's coming but it takes HARD work!

I want to acquire better fashion sense. Holly, can testify to this, I HAVE NO FASHION SENSE! None at all. I want to have a closet full of clothes and shoes that flatter when I put them on, rather than looking like I shop at WalMart (OK some of it does come from there BUT it's cheap and single mom's thrive on low budget) I want jewelry to go with everything! I want to find my inner Diva! KK seems to be born with it, where'd mine go?!?

Learning to live with my past has been the biggest life changing experience for me, even more so than becoming a Mom. I live as a survivor of Domestic Violence everyday. I'm taught to talk about it not only to continue to heal, but to possibly help someone that is going through what I have experienced. Finding a support group and confidence can be challenging. While I hold close to friends and family, sometimes I feel maybe they are sick of it, what I can't tell them is everything I went through. I don't know if they understand how much it still does and always will affect my thinking. How much I still hide from the world. How I need to continue letting it all out until, maybe, hopefully someday, it doesn't cross my mind 12638 times a day!

My babies! Ahhhh I love them more than words can ever describe, most mom's do, right? I look at them and think, "How did I create such amazingly beautiful and smart kids?" I miss being a SAHM! More than anything, but I love working too! I'm a real pushover when it comes to them though and have to learn NOT to be! I'm like this because of my past and feeling guilty for now being a single, working mom. I miss our days of dance parties, picnicking for lunch, free admission on Tuesdays to the museum, pajamas all day and daytime TV. The biggest thing I resented about my Mom growing up was that she wasn't there, she worked too much. Now being that I NEED a second job to make ends meet, will they resent me the same?

Mr. Right....where are you? It's going to be tough to fill these shoes. I want a man with a heart like mine. A man that loves me for who I am and how I look NOW and will love me even more when I'm in shape. A man that will bring in some income but let me be the bread winner. A man that does most the household chores (I really really HATE cleaning-with the exception of laundry and cleaning the bathroom) *Yes I am weird and I admit it!* A man that loves my children as his own but understands that they have a father. A man that will encourage me and my dreams and goals I have set for myself and NEVER make fun of me for them or degrade me in ANY way! Someone with the bad boy attitude but gentle heart. To make me feel like a princess, I no longer want to be Queen! Does he exist somewhere?

There you have it! A little bit of my wants! Do I ask too much? Do I think too much?